"Making the decision to have a child--it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." --Elizabeth Stone
Tuesday I had an ultrasound to make sure that everything was moving along properly. I haven't been gaining weight as much as I should (although this week's candy splurge should remedy that), so the doctor wanted to see if baby was still measuring where she should be.
The good news is Baby is doing fine. The other good news is that I'm not low on amniotic fluid, which had been another concern. I've tried to be pretty even keeled about the whole thing, but of course there was a certain worrying doubt that tugged at my mind before I went it.
An ultrasound at 33 weeks isn't really as interesting as the ultrasound at 18 weeks. The first time, that first view...the image shows up and there! a baby! a whole entire, complete little baby. It's amazing.
The second time around, the image is a lot more crowded. I couldn't figure out what the heck the technician was measuring. Every once in awhile she'd sweep over Baby's face, and I'd think, "There! A baby!" but then she'd quickly move on to the next mystery shape. After she was all finished, we spent a few moments watching Baby's little mouth sucking (not on her thumb, just that reflex that babies have) and the technician printed off a couple pictures for me. I think Baby and Sydney may end up with the same nose (my nose), which probably means that the rest of her will look just like Jason. Maybe that means blue eyes.
So, one less thing to worry about. I haven't been all that worried about this pregnancy, but then again I haven't really been all that emotional about this pregnancy. There are certain emotions I do feel, but I'm waiting for them to resolve themselves before writing about them. Let's just say, I was quick to fall in love with Sydney before she was born; this time around, I'm not there yet.
Naturally, as quick as one worry is resolved, another pops up. Sydney's eyes have begun crossing again even when she's wearing glasses, so that means her vision is worsening. Since her doctor has assured us that there isn't any sort of muscular problem, then I suppose the most they'll do when we go in is give her a stronger prescription. It's not a huge deal, but when my tough-and-brave defenses are down I can't help wondering what the future looks like for Sydney when she is already experiencing deteriorated eyesight at two.
Some days it is hard to keep this external heart that has attached itself to our children from falling apart. This little piece of our heart is labeled "joy," this piece is "health," over here is "security." We want so much for them, and when one piece starts to crack a little bit we can't help but fear that all the other pieces will crack too. I don't want to be that mom whose life is plagued with worry, but oh how our emotions sometimes get the better of us despite our best intentions.
But, back to my toughness and braveness: I have no control over the future. My worrying won't improve her eyes, and my worst-case-scenarios will only drive me crazy. Tuesday's ultrasound got us through one hurdle; I'll wait until Sydnikin's appointment on December 4th to see how we'll get through the next one. Whatever it is, big or small, we'll get through it. Because, really, what other option do we have?