Closing

This morning, at 8:45 am, we signed the closing papers on the house we have been trying to sell for over a year. I cried on the drive to the title company, cried as I signed the papers, cried as I walked away, cried as I was about to order my Pumpkin Spice Latte that I got in order to celebrate the occasion.

Yes, this house ordeal has made me cry. A lot.

Just to be clear, we didn't sell our house. No, thankfully, we still have this house. What we sold was the accumulation of two years of planning, dreaming, building, and hard work. Two years of sweat, tears, stress, and then ultimately more tears. We sold the house that was meant to be sold, but not exactly how we had planned it. It was supposed to be a good idea and make our lives a little easier, but then didn't quite turn out that way. Well, I guess it still was a good idea, it just didn't end up being a good reality.

But it's gone. Gone are two house payments. Gone are nights spent worrying. Gone is the heavy load of stress that has burdened me for months, a burden so heavy that I haven't been writing as much as I would like, or talking as much as I want, or sharing the burden in any form whatsoever. In order to cope with it I cut out every extracurricular activity from my life, including my precious and emotionally stabilizing MOPS group. Even though, as my doctor said at a recent visit, what I should be doing is getting out and meeting with people and finding connection, my heart hasn't been in it. My coping mechanism was to shut myself in, take medication, and clean the house a lot. I haven't exactly been the best wife, parent, or friend the last few months, but I made it through. Four months of the worst depression I have faced in years, and here, on the other side of closing papers I can say, we got through it.

I can't say I'm a stronger person because of this.

Or my emotional fortitude is better.

Or my ability to handle difficulties is more refined (as I sit here sobbing at the computer).

But I can confirm one thing: I still have faith that God cares about me. I don't know why things happened the way they did, and at the end of the day maybe there isn't some great lesson to be learned. For all the sorrows I have experienced in my life, this is the only one in which I have asked, "Why?" Why us? Why didn't it work out? Why did it seem like God was punishing us? Why couldn't I hold it together?

And you know what, I may never know why. Sometimes things happen. We don't know why. For all our planning and hopes and expectations, not everything goes the way we thought it would. I have to tell myself, daily, this was not about God punishing us. I don't always believe it, but if I have learned anything over my 31 years of existence it is that hope remains even in the darkest times, and that hope tells me that I am loved and even when things fall apart--especially when things fall apart--God has not forgotten me.

October is a new month, one in which I hope to find some healing. Maybe even call up a friend, or two, or three.

1951 Barnes Avenue doesn't belong to us anymore. We have closed the doors, and by the strength of God we have walked away.

Comments

[Katy Lewis]

Oh dear~and~Praise God! We were in your shoes and are still working our way out. (the house sold 2/2007) In about 2 months we'll be completely done. God is so good. Thanks for sharing.
Love and prayers, Katy Lewis

P.S. Those Spiced Latte's are gooooood!

[karen]

Count it all good.

I'd cry with you. I can only imagine the joy of signing paper after paper today.

My quote this summer is 'When it rain's it pours" God is trying to get our attention, He wants more of our time! Our energy, our conversations.

Love you friend, we have missed you, several have asked where you are :) Hope to see you again, soon!

[mopsy]

I do not know the whole story regarding your situation. But I do know about dreams that die and hopes that are dashed for no *apparent* good reason.

And, despite the pain and sorrow, I share your faith. There is relief in the clean slate. I am so glad you are looking forward to the future with hope and you are able to share about what you've been going through.

[Leslie]

What a relief, Steph. I am so glad you can close this chapter. It may take awhile to come to terms with it all, but the healing days are ahead. It's probably not all emotionally okay yet, but I promise, it will be.

You've already come out of this with a great testimony of God's work in your lives, even when it doesn't make sense.

You have the best stabilizing power available-God.

I'm so glad the battle is over.

[kristan]

I'm so happy for you guys that you can close this chapter in your life. You are such a wonderful person. I know that you know God is in control and He has a plan even if we don't see it.

[raehan]

Aww, sweetie. This will just make room for new dreams. It was a heavy burden and it's gone. Try to breathe in some good breaths now that there is more room and less burden. God is proud of you for having dreamt it, I'm sure, and so am I.

[sister]

Yay! The house is out; the autumn coffee flavor are in. All is well. : )

[Jeri]

oh my gosh...this must feel like a huge burden being lifted. I wish you deep cleansing breaths, better sleep at night, and the calm assurance that god is good and some lessons are just so damn hard or indecipherable.

[Alida]

O.k., this house thing? I had just assumed it was your house and I mentioned it to Sergio and he kept saying, "We should call them and go see it, I like that neighborhood...etc. etc.

It wasn't even your house. Ha, I thought that was pretty funny.

Congratulations and I'm so glad the messy ordeal is over for you. See you tuesday.

[kari]

Wonderful news and perfect way to celebrate (pumpkin spice...mmm) I hope all is well.

[Becca]

Breath. A big hug for you.

[Margaret]

I'm so sorry that the house issue was stressful, and sad. Many things in life don't go the way one expects or wants, but it seems to work out in the end. Somehow. As you said, you still have your house over your heads, and your faith.

[Priscilla Tilgner]

Oh Stephanie I totally wish this house would have sold sooo much sooner than it did. I'm glad its off your hands now and your making your way back to the happy days! I relly hope to see you soon I headrd you went to evening MOPS my good friend Brooke is leading that group so I know you ladies will have fun!

[Heather]

Peace to you, Stephanie.

[Inkling]

Call up me. I've been doing a lot of sobbing too . . . for different reasons. So glad it's sold!

[Sam]

Okay, let's just celebrate the goodness of Pumpkin Spice Lattes for a minute! Hooray!

I personally don't like them when it's still a good 80 degrees out (as it is here) but as soon as there's a real hint of coolness in the air...oh, I'm there.

I'm so sorry to hear about house woes. Why do the life lessons sometimes suck so much? But you're through it, with many wonderful lovely things in store. I'm sure you've gained a lot of wisdom...hard won wisdom.

[kimberly]

oh stephanie... it's like I was reading a biography of my life at this time a year ago...everything with wanting to stay in my house (or at least get the money I put in back) to deciding to sell to actually selling...I am telling you, it sucked all of the life from me.

everything you wrote about not being stronger now, not being able to handle things better, I am still feeling that about the house, even now one year later.

but there is peace, you know? most people don't understand...that there's a thing called obedience, that I know that God has a plan, even though I DO NOT understand it at all...and even though one year later I can't see it, I know, just like you know. he is good. it's hard for me to read james 1:2-5 sometimes and trust...
Maybe I don't see it now because it hasn't finished its work.

it's good for me to hear from someone else in something similar. peace to you friend.

[ccap]

Not sure what to say to this but wanted you to know that I was hear. And I cried with you.

[Rose]

Congrats on moving past this close! As a single gal, I have to remind myself that being single is no more punishment from God for disobedience than marriage is some kind of reward for obedience. It's all in what is best in God's Plan for me.

...enjoy the Starbucks...that's always good for the soul :)

[Jess]

I'm so sorry. I went through my own dark night of the soul a few months ago. It was awful and it involved a lot of the same questions about whether I somehow deserved it or whether God was mad at me. I'm on the other side of it now and I'm starting to see glimmers of a new plan. It's October 1, and I wish you a wonderful shiny-new clean slate! I hope you find lots of peace.

[Ally]

I think that the message of fall is to let go and enjoy what you have, so maybe it's a good thing that this house ownership ended in the fall. Nature always reminds me of how cyclical everything is-- for whatever reason.

[Sophie]

I had no idea you were struggling under such pressure. I, too, tend to curl up in a little ball in such circumstance; I'm sure that's not what God wants from me.

Well, the house is sold. Hurray! Time for a new beginning.

[Vail]

Been there myself . . . I too am like you, I cut myself off. But God did use that time in my life to show I could RELY on Him. He gets us through. Faith. That's what it's all about.

[erin]

steph, was at mops today and noticed you weren't there...i asked joelle, she said you quit because you were too stressed out. i am sorry that the house didn't work out as you hoped it would but i think i am more sorry that you have been so depressed and have withdrawn from your surroundings. i will miss you dearly and i hope that you come back to visit us when you're ready. you are a huge part of mops for me, since we started it together, what, 3 years ago? i am busy but not too busy to hang out...drop me a line sometime, lets walk or grab a coffee or just hang out and let the kids play. love you...

[AbsolutelyBananas]

What an emotional rollercoaster. Not to be glib, but you know what they say... that when one door closes, another opens. I really believe that. Hang in there!