Week 198: Hypotheticals

Tonight we met with Todd (designer for our new house) to go over some changes in the plans. The big changes involved the master bedroom, the garage, and one particular wall in the dining room/living room. We had a good brainstorming session, and I feel good that Todd will come up with something that draws from our collective design sensibilities.

The other smaller change involved reconfiguring the upstairs bathroom--the one that the kids will use. Well, smaller change for him. But really the whole reconfiguration is based on one big hypothetical: having another child.

Which isn't to say that I am having another child, only that I might. And if that other child is a boy then I want the bathroom to function well as the siblings share the space. If we have a boy. Which we might not. If we have another child. Which is more probable than even having a boy.

It's a conversation I've been having with myself (and Jason) for the last couple months, and even though it's not something I lose sleep over (at least, not too much), it's something I toss around in my mind as I look at house plans and we wonder exactly how to divide up room space. The whole conversation with myself goes something along these lines. Are we having more kids? If we are, then when would be a good time to consider having this other child (though I realize, of course, that this isn't totally in my control, but hypothetically speaking...)? Should I get pregnant while we are assured of Jason's job and therefore awesome health insurance? How will this affect my teaching load? How will we afford a new car since we don't have one that could seat three carseats? How far apart do we ideally want the kids do be in age? Do I really want to be moving into a new house pregnant? Wouldn't it be easier to be pregnant next year so that Rebekah the Amazing Nanny can help out? Am I even suited to parent three children?

On the other hand, the conversation sometimes goes like this. Please dear Lord, we are not having any more kids. That easily answers all those other questions.

I realize that I am blessed to be even in the position to be having this conversation with myself, knowing that there are some people who would give the sun, moon, and stars to be in my spot. I also realize there is a lot that's not in my control regarding the whole thing. But still. It crosses my mind. More than occasionally.

It wouldn't really be a difficult choice if I was excited about the prospect of having another baby. Jason and I have always kind of thought we'd have three kids. It's a nice compromise between our two families. There were two kids in his family, and he always wished there were more. There were four kids in my family, and I always felt like my mom was on the verge of a nervous breakdown from the stress we caused her. Three is good. A nice prime number. I don't care about the middle child syndrome because I figure once you have more than two, there are always middle children. Maybe you have one middle kid, maybe you have two or three. As my sister says, "Tyler and I are the middle kids in our family," and she's right. Oldest, youngest, and middles. You deal with whatever you get, and you parent accordingly.

The idea of a three-child family is more more appealing to me than actually having three kids. I'm not even dreading being pregnant anymore, which was the bigger concern last time around. It's the fact that most days I feel like I'm just treading water, trying not to drown in a sea of sippy cups, tiny socks, and play-dough. The thought of adding another child to the mix? Really? Me? The one taking Zoloft every day just to keep my head together?

I don't know. My gut says, "Wait a few years. It'll make it easier." My significant other (who also has an important say in the whole thing) says, "I'd really like to be out of the baby stage in a couple years instead of starting it all over again."

Seriously. I don't know.

It's not a decision I have to make right now, at this instant. It's not even a decision I have to make in the next couple months. It might be a decision we have to make this summer, if we're factoring in health insurance. I'm just thinking aloud here, not really expecting some sort of revelation. The only one who really knows the answer to the question "Are we having any more kids?" is God and my ovaries. Whatever my decision ultimately is, it's still not completely up to me.

Last week Sydney said to me, "I want a baby brother."

I smirked. "Did Daddy tell you to say that?"

"No. I just want one. I have one baby sister, and I want one baby brother."

"We'll see," I say.

She looked at me, smiled, and agreed. "We'll see."

*****

Just for spite, I'm giving away the pregnancy book I reviewed last July, Body, Soul, and Baby. If you're interested in winning it, leave a comment at that old post, and I'll choose a randomly lucky winner Wednesday at 8 pm PST.

*****

(c) Creature Bug 2008. All rights reserved.

Comments

[Rachel]

Sometimes you have to wonder if you'd ever be ready to have more children. You've lost the romantic image of what pregnancy is, what having an infant means. But I think by coming to terms with the possibility, it won't be such a shock once you do decide to travel down that road...hint hint....

[Jen]

Yeah, since we've found out that our third baby is a girl, we've been going back and forth with these same kinds of questions. Will we try again to see if we have a boy? Or would four kids make us completely crazy? Could we even afford to have another kid?

I understand what you mean about saying the "idea" of a three-kid family is more appealing than the reality of it. I am glad that we're having a third, and I like the spacing between them, and I think that at some point it will be wonderful--but (maybe I'm just a pessimist) I think that the reality of my life for the next year or so with a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a newborn is going to be pretty challenging.

I know some wonderful families with only one or two kids and equally wonderful ones with eight; I'm sure that no matter what decision you eventually come to, you can be happy with it.

[eric]

Two is also a prime number. :)

[Kimberly]

Oooooh the third baby subject. We aren't sure either. I know I don't want to be pregnant again, but we can't afford adoption so I think we are out of luck. Hubby was going to get the big "V" but he has since chickened out stating "What if we want to have more kids in 10 years?" 10 years!? I would love to be done by then so who knows. I am with you in the "Can I handle being a mother of 3?" boat. Not sure my fragile mental state can handle 2 let alone three! I think it would just lead me down the road to a serious coffee addiction.

[gretchen from lifenut]

My third kiddo rocks. They all do, of course, but he really changed me as a mom in many ways. I think it was because we were finally outnumbered and had to become very clever and organized overnight.

My husband and I both grew up in families with three kids. It's nice being able to use the plural when referring to siblings. Just my opinion... :)

(I'm such a PR person for "large" families, can't help it)

[Goslyn]

Sounds like Syd has her plans in with the man upstairs. Good luck getting around that one.

I think if I could grow babies like cabbages, I would be content to have many, many more. But growing them actually IN me ... yeah, I'm sooooo over that.

[Margaret]

We contemplated having third child, but then decided against it. We were older, both working and as you said, two was plenty. If little kids are hard and expensive, two teenage girls are even MORE stressful and difficult. We don't regret our decision.

[Donnelle]

The conversation you had with Syd reminded me of one I had with the boys before getting pregnant with Amanda. I said we were thinking about having another baby, they ( really Jarred but I think he spoke for both) said " That's fine, but only if it's a girl, I have no use for another brother." I thought that was so funny. I guess God was on his side. For what it's worth, I think you should, but I totally support you either way, you know that. Love you.

[Inkling]

Well, you know I nearly went nuts when school started and I was working full time and had three . . . but I'm now managing. Whatever life throws at you, you manage. And I wouldn't trade this munchkin who is currently trying to reboot the computer for anything. And crazily enough, I still want another, even though it is now impossible. You're so much more practical than I am! (I do think that there are unsung advantages to wide spaces between--I and E have seven years, and it's all right. By that time it felt kind of like a first baby again and was really fun.)

[Amy]

I was at the allergist last week and mentioned that I was pregnant with my 3rd, since I wanted to see what she thought about avoiding foods (answer: no nuts at all and limit cow's milk since we already have 2 kids with that allergy). She was so excited and said she always wished she'd had 3. Her two are 14 and 11 now and she said she felt like she didn't have time and two was enough when they were small but that as they got older she regretted not trying again. For me, I never felt "done" after two, even though my husband was pretty emphatically done for a few years. Now that we have embarked on this 3rd kid journey it does feel a little scary--much scarier than with the second since it's been so long since we did the infant/baby thing, but it's exciting too. And for me I like the idea of going a little bit against the grain. I'm ornery like that.

[raehan]

Taking the leap and facing your fears to get pregnant for your third is exciting and scary. Quite a ride. But I'd say, so far it feels a lot better than the period of indecision felt.

You have soooo much time to make up your mind, though. Take your time.

[Alison]

I was mentioning to my son today that I grew up with three sisters and a brother. He told me he wanted 8 brothers... and five sisters (he already has two). Later he changed his mind. He only wants 7 brothers now. :)

I wouldn't stress too much over whether or not you want or will have another baby or what the gender will be. Pray and trust that the Lord will make it clear to you and Jason, and that he will provide the grace you need whether you have three little ones, or start the baby stage all over again when your girls are a little older.

[Mom]

I don't know a single person (my age or older) who wishes they had had fewer children. Running a marathon is hard, too, but there's such a sense of accomplishment when you're finished. The Psalmist was right when he said, "Children are a heritage of the Lord."
p.s. Dad & I promise we will help you with the kids! Love, Mom

[Jess]

Wow, I have sucked at commenting lately...Not being a mommybug yet, I can only offer the perspective of one of 3 sisters. I'm oldest, A is 3 years younger than me, and S is 8 years younger (technically my half-sister). S and I actually get along way better than A and I do. I love her to pieces in a totally different, non-competitive way. I was able to babysit her a lot of summers when I was a young teen and she was past the toddler stage. I have loved watching her grow up and I'm so proud of her. If you do decide to wait a few years, the dynamic between kids will be different but it also offers something really special, I think.