Braving the Fears

Sydney had a nightmare last week.

She woke up screaming for her daddy, refusing to leave her room without him carrying her out. Normally when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she wanders into our room, gets one of us to help her into the playpen, and then falls back asleep. Not this time.

The next morning, she wandered out to the kitchen and said, "My room is on fire." I made a move from my chair to rush to Sydney's room before she stopped me: "In my dreams. My room is on fire in my dreams. The door was burning, and I was calling and calling for Daddy and he couldn't get me because my night light burned the door." She started crying again as she told me the story, and I scooped her up in my arms and reassured her that it was just a dream, not real.

She has been terrified of going to sleep every night since then, insisting that we leave the door open and her night light off, when before she always wanted the door closed and night light on. She trembles with fear every night as she wakes up with the same nightmare: her room on fire.

We showed her the smoke alarm, and how it worked. We talked to her about us being right next door. We prayed with her for Jesus to keep her safe at night.

She is still afraid, although she was less fearful tonight.

I am at a loss for what to do. Teaching my children courage has never exactly been my strong suit, although I think I fake it pretty well at times. There are certain phobias I have that I work hard not to convey to Sydney because I don't want her to inherit my irrational fears.

No need to be afraid of the dark. See! It's okay!

Isn't swimming fun? Isn't water fun? Ooh, look at your pretty swimsuit!

It's just a tiny bug. It won't hurt you at all.

I may be afraid of the dark, terrified of water, and phobic of bugs, but I try to put on a brave, smiley face, just for my kids. Except, of course, whenever I encounter spiders, for which I have no false reservoir of bravery. I can't fathom a situation in which I could calmly react to a spider. Hmm...maybe if I were in a movie opposite Matthew Macfadyen, being paid $10 million dollars?

Nope. I just ran the image through my mind, and not even money and Mr. Darcy could get me to share screen time with a spider. This fear--this internal shaking that causes me to break out in a cold sweat--is what Sydney must be feeling each night when she approaches her room at bedtime. And the most I can do is hold her, rock her back and forth and say, "You're okay, baby. You're safe."

I want her grow up brave, grow up strong and confident; I don't want her to grow up saddled with all my fears. It's, of course, what every parent wants...that our children will inherit the best of us, rather than the worst. I want to give my girls my confidence in public speaking, my ability to communicate through writing, my strength in finding humor. Or at least, perhaps not these specific traits, but the act of boldness to do something. I work hard to overcome my eating disorders, my depression, and my manic anxiety not for my own benefit (because I have after all these years learned a few coping techniques) but for the benefit of my children. My real fear is that these are the fires that will burn in their adult doorways, and all my words of bravado will be too little, too late.

Fortunately, I keep growing, learning, maturing, and yes, facing my own fears. I find that practicing to be brave for my girls actually does make me feel a little less afraid. My words echo back to me in Sydney's voice as she gives herself a pep talk before taking medicine, "It's okay, Momma. I'll very be brave."

Right now, I'm hoping her nightmares are just a phase that will soon pass. We continually monitor what she watches, and encourage her in every way imaginable that she doesn't have to be afraid. I don't know what to do beyond that...Except try to practice what I preach and tell myself when I'm in a room full of my own fears, I'll very be brave.

As a parent, I think it's the only choice I have.

*****

(c) Creature Bug 2008. All rights reserved.

Comments

[Katy Schmidt]

I worry about that often as well...how to keep my son from picking up my short comings/bad habits. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Thank you for being so candid with your readers. It's encouraging to see other mothers overcoming their pitfalls.

Poor Sydney, that's hard! Nightmares can be terrorizing, and seem so real! I remember waking up crying from bad dreams, having to verify that it was only a dream. Even after knowing it wasn't real it was still scary to think it could happen.

I will pray for Sydney.

[Jen]

I am the same way with my own weaknesses. I try so hard not to pass on my own phobias and my own shyness to my girls. That's rough with Sydney's nightmares, though. Beth has bad dreams occasionally, I think, but she never seems to remember or to be able to explain what they are about--except once when she dreamed a duck was chasing her around her bedroom. I suppose that was scary to her but I had to try not to giggle when I told Eric about it. Recurring dreams about my room being on fire, though...that would scare me to death too. I hope you find a good way to help her conquer that one.

[gretchen from lifenut]

Poor kiddo. I hope this phase doesn't last long. It's definitely a sign of a maturing mind---that she can comprehend true fear. It's sad.

Some of my more memorable nightmares occurred during my preschool years---maybe because they were new? I dreamt Wonder Woman was trying to kill me. She had fangs. I chuckle about it now, but it terrified me at the time.

I have a huge fear of bees, but don't want my children to be afraid of them. So I have to fake bravery if a bee lands on me. The whole time it is on me, I feel I might die---I am that scared. But I realized how irrational this fear is, so I white-knuckle my way through summertime picnics.

[Alida]

Poor kid. I've had a few nightmares as an adult and it's no fun at all. Luke has night terrors. The first one totally freaked me out. He had his eyes open was answering my questions and then started screaming and pointing behind me. He was still dreaming.

We've been teaching him to lucid dream. Now, during one we go in there and talk him through it. He gets to fly away or grow huge and stomp on the monster. Sometimes we talk him through and say the monster is friendly and wants to play, but doesn't know how to ask. (We can get very creative and I sometimes wonder how wise that is.)

They seem to be happening less frequently. Maybe Syndey could have the Fire Dept standing by (in her dreams of course) or have a huge fire hose that sprays a wave so big, she could surf out of her room.

I hope she has a good night sleep tonight.

[Margaret]

Kids'(and many adults') fears are very irrational, but you have to deal with them exactly the way you have--with logic, tender words and support. Our younger daughter was utterly terrified that our waterbed would crash through the floor into the family room. I actually e-mailed waterbed manufacturers to try to reassure her. Since I am scared to death of heights, I can understand fear. One of my daughters is also afraid of heights, but my gymnast obviously isn't.

[Alison]

just last night seth asked what the smoke detector was for and i was kind of afraid to tell him for fear he would have nightmares of the same sort Sydney has had! I tried to explain it to him and his response was "if our house gets fired it would melt and would we get a new house?" :) no nightmares yet... May your calm trust in the Lord's care for you and your family help your sweet daughter through this hard time!

[kim kauffman]

I'm so sorry Sydney's been having nightmares. That sounds horrible. I just have to comment on her hair. I just love it! Every time I see a picture of her it reminds me more and more of my childhood pictures. I never wanted our kids to have my hair because it's such a pain, but now that I see it on Sydney, I see how cute it is :)

[Inkling]

It will pass-- my boy I. used to have night terrors where he didn't quite wake and hid behind the toilet screaming, not letting anyone touch him, for an hour or so. Then he would wander back to bed. I also still remember my preschool nightmares, and they were horrible. I know one strategy people use is to make a plan for what to do in the dream if it happens again. That can break the spell.

As for passing on phobias? Well, I've found that explaining my fears (when he notices them) and then showing I. why they aren't rational, telling him the coping mechanisms I've learned, can be more effective than trying to hide it, because he has inherited some of them--but I can give him a head start on leaving them that I never had.

I'm terrified of any water where my feet don't touch the ground--I can't believe you lived with a swimming pool in your backyard if you have that fear!

You're so great, Steph.

[smandree]

Poor Syd. Hope she gets over it in a bit....

But on a totally unrelated topic, that's a pretty sweet pict. of her. If she had Facebook, it'd be a great profile picture. : )