Last week, as I was reading to Jason what I had written about our slug-adventures, I started laughing. The whole of the story seemed so ridiculous, and something about the slug both humored and mortified me. I laughed until I cried, and then somewhere in the midst of the laughing, I started sobbing. Are you laughing or are you crying? Jason asked. I don't know, I sobbed. Both.
That's where I am. Caught in the middle of emotions I can't seem to sort out.
I have found myself once again in the grip of depression, no doubt because living in two cities means I can't seem to figure out any method of organization to life. I forget where I've put things; I stop talking in the middle of conversations because I don't know what I'm saying; I make photocopies of assignments, and then turn around and make the photocopies again having forgotten that I already did that. Normally, I'm not absent-minded, so my descent into mental chaos is discouraging for me.
It's nothing new, of course. Depression and I aren't strangers. Yet, when I found myself facing this old acquaintance, I didn't initially recognize it. We sit next to each other, trying to remember again how to start this conversation. Unfamiliar. Uncomfortable. Unknown. I'll be fine, of course. It's just hard right now.
And, particularly this time of year, it's hard not having any leafs of my own.
Our old familiar leafy tree is still there, at our old familiar house, where someone new is looking out the window and watching them fall. This year, there is no banner of the girls sitting the pile of leafs. And for a dozen different reasons that makes me cry. Tonight I put a new banner up, but it's not a leafy wonder. It's blue. We are similar that way, the banner and I.
It's kind of a lonely looking banner, definitely reflective of my creative emotion these days. Maybe it's too sad. Maybe that's okay. I need some reassurances here, and have thusly constructed a poll that will both reassure and amuse me. I'm not being flippant; I'm being honest. There is more to this relationship I have with depression, but it's too dark to write about. So...reassurance and amusement. That's pretty much what I need right now. And also for someone to give me a written inventory of where all our belongings are. That'd be helpful too.