Today I woke up tired. Weary tired. Puffy eyed tired. Wishing I didn't have to teach class tired.
Missing my grandma tired.
Tired. And sad.
And grateful that God gave me a heart capable of loving others.
Yesterday was my grandma's funeral.
It was lovely and poignant, and people shared some wonderful memories of Grandma. I sang two hymns, which were compromised by my emotions getting the better of me, but you know. My grandma would have said I sang beautifully anyway.
Even though the day was difficult, it was healing too. Healing to see family, healing to say our prayers, healing to place my grandma's ashes in the ground near her daughter's. It used to unsettle me to experience joy and sorrow within such close proximity to each other. How could I laugh when I was so sad? How could I see beauty through the tears?
I'm not unsettled by it anymore. It is how life is. It is how love is. The heart swings.
I've learned a lot over the past several months--months in which I've attended three funerals, lost two grandparents, a beloved dog, a definite plan of life--like my knowledge that life is not all of any one thing. It's a mixed bag, is what it is.
Swing in. Swing out.
I've kind of learned to accept the mixed bag and not make any apologies for my emotions or fight with them. Sure, it might seem like I could take on a bag--I imagine myself wrestling with a brown paper bag trying to rip it to pieces--but honestly, the bag always wins. It's like it's made of Superman's suit.
My heart swings in, swings out, swings in. I breathe in, breathe out. Maybe I reach for that brown paper bag.
No apologies for the tears or the laughter.
No apologies for the anger or the gratefulness.
No apologies for the fullness of life.