Creature Bug

When gray turns to joy

Three years ago, I was three months pregnant. It wasn't a surprise pregnancy; it was exactly what we had planned: a September baby.

My first trimester had the usual morning sickness routine. And then around the middle of March, I started feeling a little better. I went to Colorado to help my sister move out of her house. I ate and enjoyed delicious food. I was delighted at the surprise snowstorm that blew in and forced us to delay our drive home. I actually looked forward to wearing maternity clothes.

But as I left the cold but beautiful Colorado sunshine and headed northwest to home, I could feel the anxiety creeping in. We traveled west on I-84, and mile by mile we got closer to the rain, to the gray skies, to the regular routine of life.

And I didn't know it then, but months later I looked back and pinpointed that trip as the beginning of the beginning. I lost my appetite. I couldn't focus. I cried all the time. I wished that I wasn't pregnant. I tried to get better. I got special happy lights and planned trips with friends. I got pedicures and hosted birthday parties. I read books and took vitamins.

It didn't work.

I had prenatal depression. Not just a little. A lot. A bigger than a nine-month-pregnant-belly case of diagnostic depression.

Even though I've already written about the darkness (and medical treatment) of those months of pregnancy, it's still important to me to remember in words how depressed I was. Because when I remember where I was it makes the joy of today so much sweeter.

I did not anticipate the joy this child would bring me. Absolutely without a doubt, all my girls have brought me joy, but the joy with Addie is different. It's different because it's so ridiculously, amazingly surprising.

I was in the worst possible place, and God not only rescued me from that place but He gave me joy bigger than I could have imagined. If you have not been in a place so dark you can't ever imagine being happy again--and I mean you totally and completely believe you will be sad for the rest of your life--it's hard to imagine how miraculous it feels to see the cause of your anguish turned into the light of your life. I don't know how to describe it except to say that every day I look at Addie and cannot believe how lucky I am. This child makes me smile every single day. She is funny. She is smiley. She is happiness incarnate.

Today she is exactly 2 1/2. Today she went to the aquarium, and when she came home she told me, "I got to see the fishies and sharks. And I washed my hands. And rode in the stroller."

I watch her eat her breakfast, and I smile.

I watch her eat soup and talk about carrots, and my heart wants to explode.

I watch her throw herself on the ground in a fit of toddlerdom, and I don't panic because I want to enjoy every single moment of these early years.

I watch her face light up when she sees me in the morning, and I want to drop to my knees and say thank you God for this little person you have given me.

By a twist of genetics, Adelynn's eyes are a different color from her sisters'. She has eyes not quite blue, not quite brown. Eyes that are best described as gray on some days and hazel on others. I usually see gray when I look into her eyes, and for me it is another reminder of where this little person came from. She was not created in sunshine and rainbows, or subtle and sophisticated joy. She grew from an empty and anguished heart. She grew from the gray.

These days my greatest joy is looking into the gray and being amazed and overjoyed at how beautiful it is. 

Addie & Elmo

It's true that today's kids are growing up pretty tech savvy. Addie knows how to turn on my iPhone, she knows how to slide the screen with her finger, she knows how to leave an indecipherable comment on Instagram.

But she also knows that a good old fashioned hand phone will be perfectly fine for talking to Elmo. Addie's love for Elmo is wide and deep (something of a mystery since she's seen Sesame Street only a few times in her life). She often dials him up during snack time and they have a nice long chat. Elmo is the one who does most of the talking, and Addie is a good friend and just listens most of the time.

Oh, hi Elmo. How are you?

Well. Huh.

Mmmhmm.

Hahahaha!

Oh goodness!

Sure.

Awww, cute!

*Gasp* Ohhh!

Ohhh, I get it.

Okay! Bye!

And then my heart explodes from all the cuteness.

For the love of two years

Two years ago, when I was ending my maternity leave from teaching, I needed to find someone to watch Addie when I headed back to school for spring semester. It needed to be someone who lived on campus, someone who could bring Addie to me between classes so that I could nurse her, someone who I trusted with my tiny baby. I wasn't worried about finding someone--teaching at a conservative Christian university means there are a lot of girls who are eager to watch babies--but I still had to find someone.

And just at the right time, an email popped into my box from a former student who had remembered me saying that I would need someone to watch Addie.

DeAnna was an answer to my prayers.

For two years, DeAnna and her roommate Lily have watched over Addie. They watched her go from tiny baby to big kid toddler. They were part of all the milestones--from first tooth, to sitting up, crawling, eating solids, walking, running, talking, demanding they share their chips and cookies with her--they were part of it.

They took her to the cafeteria, the coffee shop, the library. They introduced her to staff and faculty, students and family members. In fact, I think it's fair to say that Addie knows so many people that more people know me as Addie's mom than Professor S.

All these experiences helped make Addie the happiest kid. She travels well, she transitions well, she is fearless about exploring new places. She has grown up believing that wherever she goes, people love her and watch over her. Certainly, she has her moments of shyness and preference--she is two, afterall--but the experience of being loved on a college campus has been permanently marked into her personality.

DeAnna and Lily have given Addie all this. They have read to her, sang songs with her, laughed with her, and done everything you would hope someone who takes care of your child would do.

It's worth mentioning all these things simply because they are important, but today they are extra important to say because yesterday was Addie's last day of going down to Corban with me.

Even though she's a good traveler, and even though it's only two days a week, it's hard to expect a two-year old to consistently love spending 3 hours in the car, particularly since she doesn't nap as much as she used to. She's also trying to potty-train and long commutes just don't work well with that.

On the one hand, it will be easier to get to school without her. I won't have to sing Old MacDonald over and over and over again. I won't need to recite "Brown Bear Brown Bear" 20 times in a row (yesterday's record). I won't need to find ways to keep her awake on the ride home so that she will still go to sleep at her regular bedtime.

But I won't get to hold her hand as we walk down the campus stairs. Won't get to hear her say "handy!" from the back seat and give her my hand as she falls asleep. Won't see her draw on my white board anymore, won't see her wave bye-bye to DeAnna and Lily.

I cried a lot yesterday, and I'm crying now as I write this. It isn't as though I won't see DeAnna and Lily again, or that they won't see her. We're all still here. It's just that this season has ended, and it has been such a rewarding experience for all of us. My words here are only a fraction of how thankful I am for these two ladies, and the others who have helped them with their Tuesdays and Thursdays. For Christa. For William. For Jeffrey. For Andee.

These people came into Addie's life and left love in her life and mine.

What a gift for which I will be forever grateful.

Gifts in Boots

We find blocks in our shoes.

Find apple slices in cups, the cups neatly stacked in a bottom kitchen drawer.

Our toothpaste mysteriously vanishes and then shows up in the bathtub.

A lone shoe snuck into a trash can miraculously makes it way back into the pile of shoes before being hauled to the curb.

I absent-mindedly place my sunglasses on a side table, and then minutes later when I go to put them away, they've vanished.

We ask each other, "Where is the remote?"

"Have you seen my other shoe?"

"Where's the sippy cup?"

Either our house is haunted, or...

...someone has discovered the joy of placing little things inside other things.

(Photo from last August; it's crazy how much older she looks two months later.)

Oh!

Some say there's nothing sweeter than a newborn's accidental smile.

I'd agree.

And when that newborn gets too old for accidental smiles, I'll happily settle for a well-timed funny face.

Oh! she says, over and over. Oh!

How about that turtle, Addie? What do you think? Oh! she says.

And we all laugh and laugh.

Three 2 One-derful

Once, many many years ago, someone asked me when Jason and I were going to have kids. My knee-jerk response was always never, but then once we got past that I said, "Well, we'd like to have a house. And I'd like to be done with my masters degree. And it'd be nice to be debt free too."

I don't remember who it was I was talking to, but she said, "If you're waiting to have all your ducks in a row, you'll be waiting a long time."

I feel like that's what happened to me and blogging these past two months. "When are you going to blog again?" Jason asked. I've had a lot of reasons: "When the house is clean," or "When the laundry is put away" [it's not the washing that kills me, it's the folding and putting away that gets me]. Or "After I lesson plan," or "I'm so tired. I can't even think straight."

It's not that I don't have something to say. I always have something to say. It's that I've felt perpetually two steps behind, a day late, a dollar short, too many hats, too many balls in the air, underwater and climbing uphill.

The feeling that is otherwise known as Life in general.

But today is the first day of October, and so here I am. And I'm going to blog every day this month because I don't want to blog every day next month.

Full disclosure: I'm gonna do some catching up because lots of important stuff happened in September (and, um, in August too, in fact). It's all good though, right? Pictures. Stories. Who cares if it didn't happen yesterday.

Here we go.

*

I completed Addie's Numbers more or less on time.

Here she is two weeks before her birthday.

And then a week--actually, just a few days--before her birthday, she got to do a test run on the cupcake eating action that would be happening at her party.

Then there was the party, followed by the Big Day.

Remember way back in the beginning, Addie started out in the apple orchard? And here she is, a year later.

Now.

Then.

OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! My baby is all grown up. What has happened to this year?!

Somehow in a matter of twelve months, Addie managed to get 8 teeth. Which she uses to eat apples. And bite me to get my attention. 

In twelve months, she went from a squishy mushy bag of sugar, to a bag of sugar able to stand on her own two feet.

You know what I love about Addie?

I love her laugh. I love her smile. I love that she is an easy baby almost all of the time.

But mostly I just love that I love her. It has been such an unexpected joy having Addie in my life. It's a crazy thing to say, of course, because I had two other kids whom I love and adore and so I should have known what to expect.

And yet.

I think back to those months before she was born. I was terrified about having another baby. I could hardly parent two kids, let alone three. How would I get Sydney to school? How would Jules handle having a younger sibling? How could I endure the sleepless nights, the post-partum depression, the months of rainy weather being stuck in a house? How would I ever get anything done without losing my mind?

How would I love this baby?

The answer is: I just do. I've loved everything about her. Loved the sleepless nights. Loved the being-stuck-in-the-house with her. Loved taking her school and nursing her between classes. I'm sure me being on medication helps a lot, but I also know that God gave me Addie and my soul lept in surprised joy.

Adelynn Harriet. Addie Hattie. Addiekins.

My girl.

Turning One

Last year I was writing about how I was okay with having a baby on September 11. It turned out that I didn't have a baby on 9/11. She arrived the next afternoon.

And while we could have had a perfectly lovely celebration for Addie tomorrow, we decided to do it today instead.

For one thing, I like weekend birthday parties.

I also like bringing candles and cupcakes to the table on a date that will forever be etched in my mind. Like most of you, I will always vividly recall the events of what happened 10 years ago. But now I have another memory that hugs the sad one.

Ten years ago I cried and wondered about the future.

One year ago I smiled and wondered about the future.

What a difference a baby makes.

And so on a hot Sunday afternoon, everyone on the Family Farm along with Jason's parents gathered together to celebrate Addie and tell her how happy we are that she was born.

Even though it was a relatively low key affair, I'm always up for a little birthday fun. So I made up the invitations,

although I admit the alphabet idea is not original with me (I got the idea here). Considering the photographic year that Addie has had, I thought an alphabet themed party would be appropriate.

 

(ABC bucket and "A" coasters from Target's $2 aisle)

Personalized frame from Personalization Mall. I have one for each of the girls.

Sometimes I go overboard on the food. And sometimes I get a little stressed out about going overboard on the food. So today, I just kept it easy since it was after lunch time and closer to snack time. I like snacks. Today's snacks consisted of fruit kabobs, veggies, chips, and cupcakes. Simple stuff.

The skewers were a big hit with the kids. Fortunately, no major injuries reported. Jules did poke her hand, but quickly recovered. *whew*

And of course, the party wouldn't have been be complete without showcasing some of Addie's best (alphabetized) moments.

Despite not having a nap, Addie was a happy birthday girl and amazed us all once again at her good naturedness.

What would we do without our Addie-kins?

We just love that baby!

4

Can you tell I've run out of steam on Addie's weekly photos? Here it is, what? Thursday? Good grief, Charlie Brown.

It has been so much fun doing it, but I'll be happy when I don't have to stage photos anymore. It's good timing too, since the little miss is moving moving moving. Thanks to Grandma Nancy's persistence, Addie took FOUR steps today. I don't practice with her at all. As far as I'm concerned, Addie can wait another, oh, five months before she starts walking. That's okay with me.

I don't think I have five months, though.

I came home on Tuesday to these lovely sunflowers sitting at my kitchen sink courtesy of Sarah. She's so super fab like that.

Addie didn't care about the sunflowers. She was all about the vase. It's super fun to make noises into empty vases. Super fun and super funny.

And not just vases, any kind of big cup will do.

And when the cup isn't exciting, there's always the lid.

Only three more weeks until my little sweetie pie turns one. I've been collecting ideas for her birthday party, and I'm hoping it'll be super sweet and easy to pull off. After all, super sweet and easy is exactly the kind of girl Adelynn is.

7, 6, 5 & scooting around

In just one month, Miss Addiekins is going to be one years old.

Wow.

Considering I'm not a "time flies" kind of person, the past year seemed to go by awfully quickly, don't you think?

All right, how about a little catching up on Addie's numbers.

When I took this photo, I mentally crossed off taking Addie's #7 picture. Except you'll notice that there aren't actually seven kids in the picture. Not sure what I was thinking...maybe because there are usually seven little kids scrambling around (and then the two older boys make up the nine Family Farm cousins).

So, I doodled in a favorite literary friend of ours. Mo Willems fans will recognize him. (Hi Pigeon!)

Oh, and the masks are from my parents. They got them in Scotland (or somewhere in the UK) when they visited my sister in June.

Would you believe me if I told you we planned our Six Flags trip just so we could get this photo?

Maybe you would, considering I did make all the cousins dress up as nativity scene characters.

Truthfully, however, it was just a happy accident. Six at Six Flags. It was as if Addie dreamed of it in her sleep and it came true.

Last photo, courtesy of our garden produce and catching us *finally* up to date:

Squash! Zucchini! And a cucumber! Which I don't think is technically summer squash, but Adelynn would not let go of that cucumber without a fight.

I'm not fighting over a cucumber.

A tomato or a green pepper? Absolutely. But not a cucumber.

At eleven months old, Addie is very mobile, though not walking. She's a fabulous eater, a terrible sleeper, a loud squawker, quick to smile and wave, and thinks it's hilarious when she bites my shoulder. She has a quirky way of crawling around. Actually, she doesn't crawl. She scoots. And she spins. And then she scoots some more. We like to call her Scooter McGavin (ala Happy Gilmore). Or sometimes Baby Hunchback of Notre Dame. I doubt she'll appreciate that moniker when she gets older, so maybe we'll just stick with Scooter.

Here's a brief clip of her scooting around in some streetside courtyard in San Francisco. (You'll notice that as soon as I mention I'm taking a movie, Sydney scrambles into the scene. Drama Queen, much?)

Tomorrow, pictures from our road trip!

11 & 10

Obviously, I got a little behind on posting Addie's numbers. I had grand intentions of doing something involving sparklers for Addie's Fourth of July photo, but it didn't happen, so 11 flags will have to be sufficient.

And for 10 (which I took on her 10-month birthday!), a tribute to one of our favorite read-aloud books.

There was one little baby who was born far away.
And another who was born on the very next day.
And both of these babies, as everyone knows,
Had ten little fingers and ten little toes.

...

But the next baby born was truly divine,
a sweet little child who was mine, all mine.
And this baby, as everyone knows,
has ten little fingers,
ten little toes,
and three little kisses
on the tip of her nose.

Addie is now officially the latest walker of the 3 girls. Sydney was walking at 10 months, Jules at 9 (link to a video of her walking at 9 months old. Goodness.gracious.so.adorable.), and I did my best to make sure Little Miss wasn't walking at 8. Whew. I don't know when she'll start, but I'm not encouraging her. The longer she stays crawling, the better.

Of course my wishes don't stop her from pulling herself up on everything she sees!

At the end of the rainbow

Now that it's past Memorial Day, Addie can wear white.

Heh.

Even though these last several colors aren't technically part of the rainbow, I still thought they belonged in the canon of colors. (I have so few reasons to use the word "canon" anymore, I have to find reasons whether they make sense or not.)

I went through a long phase of life where I wasn't especially fond of the color white. Particularly in my house. It seemed boring and generic.

And then when we moved to the Family Farm and life was initially so scattered and hectic, I rediscovered my love for white and shades of white.

(Whenever I think of the phrase "shades of white" I always remember a play I saw many years ago. It's called Art, and there's a great plot piece where one of the characters buys a modern art piece that's completely white. He keeps saying there are "shades of white" on it.

But really, it's a great big white canvas that he paid a lot of money for.

If you ever get a chance to see the show, I recommend it. It's both poignant and hilarious.)

I've actually considered putting a big white canvas in our bedroom, even though years ago I would have definitely gone the route of something bright and bold. In fact, when we first moved here I painted a wall a nice bright red to add a pop of color. I hated it the moment it was finish--hated it so much it made my blood pressure go up every time I looked at it--so, I painted over it. With a blueish shade of white. Actually, if my memory serves me correctly, Jason is the one who repainted. He's always fixing my mistakes. He's a good one.

And now, most of the rooms of the house are painted really light shades. It keeps me calm.

And aside from a few moments here and there, Addie calms me too. She just sits there. And smiles. And claps.

And smiles some more.

That's right, Baby. I'm talking about you. Now if only you'd sleep in your crib at night, you'd be the World's Easiest Baby. Oh well. Co-sleeping has its benefits too.

So now we're at the end of Addie's Rainbow. As Gretchen pointed out last week, we all know what's at the end of the rainbow.

My little pot of gold! Complete with a gold threaded scarf from her great-grandma!

Hope you enjoyed Addie's Rainbow.

Now we begin the countdown to Addie Turning One, starting with 15...

She'll be in Hawaii for the first number. Hmm...fifteen surfboards? fifteen plumaria blooms? fifteen tiki torches? We'll see.

Leaving tomorrow morning for Hawaii. Somewhere over the rainbow, indeed!

The Brown Eyed Girl...

...is me.

Because all my girls have blue eyes! You'd think with a 50/50 chance of blue or brown eyes, I might have ended up with one brown eyed baby, but nope.

That's okay.

I'll take big smiles over brown eyes any day.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should show you the following photo. Brace yourself.

Isn't that just the saddest little face?

So, yes, she does cry sometimes. But not for very long--in this case, she fussed about 5 seconds before realizing that I wasn't really walking away. The girl loves her momma.

My little blue eyed girl likes to keep her brown eyed momma close by.

Okay, I tell her. I'm right here.

Me and three other pairs of blue eyes.

Gray Skies Are Gonna Clear Up

It's kinda ironic that I chose the color gray to fall on Mother's Day (or, in this case, the day after Mother's Day).

Last year around this time, gray was exactly what I was feeling. I didn't bother to write anything for Mother's Day, and just now when I looked back at the few posts I did write in May (mostly devoted to Sydney's birthday party), I can feel the sadness in my words. It was a hard spring.

But then eventually...

...the sun came out.

There are moments I'm still caught off guard by how good I feel. Obviously, it's not all sunshine and roses, but when I think of where I was then and where I am now? It feels nothing short of miraculous. God saved me. God and medication and supportive friends and family.

If you've ever travelled to the Land of Gray and then managed to find the path out, you know how I'm feeling. If you're in the Land of Gray now? And you've set up camp and you're shivering over a smoky campfire that isn't keeping you warm? I can tell you, it gets better. Or, rather, it can get better. Don't be afraid to ask someone for directions; not everyone has it in them to be a boy scout who can escape from the snakes and spiders using only a spatula and parts from a broken vacuum cleaner.

I had to ask for directions myself.

And every day since then, I've been grateful.

For more of Addie's Rainbow, click here.

Orange You Happy?

Orange is such a happy color, don't you think?

Some would even call it an exciting color. I could use a little excitement right now. A little pep in my step, so to speak.

I'm fine, it's just that Spring Break is over, and tomorrow I'm back at school to finish up the semester.

And there's a stack of papers I should have graded last week, and I'm just now looking at them. I'd kind of rather not grade them. 

Sort of like Addie would rather not be getting her first tooth, which has led to a cold and fever, which has led to quite a lot of crying and wanting to be held, which has led to a very exhausted mommy who is also holding down the fort by herself because her wonderful and talented husband doesn't get home from soccer games until after 9 pm.

Some things just have to be done. For the orange of mankind.

Or something like that.

Roses are Red

Addie decided that she's not stopping at the alphabet. Nope. She's going to discover all her colors. And numbers too!

I tried to talk her out of it, but she smiled sweetly at me and then I gave in. I couldn't resist.

For good measure, she's going multilingual with her colors.

"Red" in Spanish.

"Red" in Japanese.

And, no, I don't speak Japanese. But I wanted to choose one other language, and decided to go with Japanese so that each week when I look up the translation I will be reminded to pray for the people of Japan.

*

I confess, I wasn't going to continue the weekly photos past Addie's Alphabet, but I thought of three things.

One: I love taking pictures of Addie, and I'll be darned if that girl doesn't love having her picture taken. She sees a camera and starts smiling.

Two: Addie's great-grandma (who doesn't get to see Addie too often) gets my blog posts by email and I know she'd be awfully disappointed if she didn't get to see weekly pictures of her sweet little great-granddaughter.

Three: I'm going to make Addie's Alphabet into a photobook, and I figured I might as well go fully educational and get colors and numbers in there too. I'm also inspired by the fact that the weather is getting nicer (so I can take pictures outside), and Addie can sit up (which is exciting).

So, the weekly tradition continues.

Hope that's okay with you.

Z is for...

...zooming down the zip line!

If there's one thing we have plenty of here on the Family Farm, it's zip lines. And having reached the milestone age of six months, we decided that Addie ought to celebrate in a properly zany style.

True to Family-Farm-kid-form, Addie loved it. She smiled and smiled, even if it was cold and windy.

And, yes, that's my sister Andrea helping Addie with her thrill ride. Andrea flew into town for the funeral, and she's flying back to Scotland on Thursday. It's a quick trip, but we'll take it.

Zip a dee doo dah!

A--Z: This project has been so much fun for us! Yes, at times it wasn't quite convenient to set up a photo op, but I am so glad I did it. And I'm so thankful for all the family and friends who participated in Addie's alphabet.

I'm almost tempted to do a counting and colors theme for the next six months so that I can have weekly pictures of Addie's first year--especially since the weather is going to be getting nicer and I can take more outdoor pictures. Well, we'll see.

I hope you enjoyed Addie's Alphabet! It's been a highlight of my week to post the pictures ♥

For the complete set of Addie's Alphabet, click here.

I leave you with a nine second video of Addie's ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZip!

Y is for...

...yummy first bites and yummy babies. Oh, I just want to eat her up, she's so sweet!

Addie got some rice cereal today. She has been swiping food out of my hands for a couple weeks now, so it was time to give her a taste. She did pretty well with it.

PS: this photo is probably the best representation of the color of Addie's eyes.

Y is also for...

...yellow yarn that I've had for years and years. I bought it for a craft, and now six years later it finally came in handy again.

Y also celebrates Dr. Seuss's 107th birthday (it was last Wednesday):

She's a Yep! On a step! And she's great fun to have around!

(and so are many many other friends that she has found)

And, okay, she doesn't exactly look like a Yep. But we're okay with that.

[Since I'm on the topic of Dr. Seuss, I'm going to break from Addie's Alphabet to show you what Syd and Jules did for yesterday's Dr. Seuss celebration at the library:

So fabulous! Blue hairspray from Walgreens; Thing 1 and Thing 2 shirts from our trip to Universal Studios that Uncle Nathan and Aunt Carolyn bought for the girls.

For their dress-up efforts, they won a prize at the library as the Funniest Seuss Characters. You would not believe how many people asked if Jules hair was real or if she was wearing a wig.]

Behind the photoshoot: For the life of me, I could not think of what to do for Y, so I turned to Facebook and asked all my FB pals for suggestions. Yummy, yellow, and yarn were mentioned a couple times, so I picked those. And then the Dr. Seuss one was a last minute inspiration.

Since this was the week that Addie started eating food, then I think the "Y is for yummy" is particularly timely.

Can you believe there's only one more week of Addie's Alphabet? Wow.

Twenty-five weeks old. Only one more week until she's SIX MONTHS OLD.

For the complete set of Addie's alphabet, click here.

X is for...

...XX chromosome. As a momma to three girls, I can tell you we know all about the double X chromosome. It's a fabulous one, a dramatic one, and the one that has gripped my heart each and every time my newborn daughter has been placed in my arms.

Not only is Addie surrounded by sisters who love her, grandmas, aunts and cousins who love her, she is also fortunate to receive some serious love from other amazing women.

Every Tuesday and Thursday, just before I start teaching class, I drop a piece of my heart off with DeAnna and Lily. These two women love Addie.

And Addie loves them. I had DeAnna (on the right) in my speech class last year, and just when I was about to start emailing around campus to find a babysitter for this semester, DeAnna emailed me. Could she watch Addie? And could her roommate also help watch Addie?

Yes, and yes again. DeAnna was an answer to prayer.

Even this weekend, when I went to a one-day woman's conference at school, DeAnna was right there to watch Addie when I needed her.

It brings me much joy to have DeAnna and Lily in Addie's life. I love it that Addie gets to spend a couple hours in dorm surrounded by women who smile and laugh at her.

And my other XX chromosome powerhouse?

My friend Megan. Every one needs a Megan in their life. Someone to go to lunch with, someone who will hold your baby so you can finish eating dinner, someone to go to Hawaii with. What would I do without Megan? I don't know. I don't want to find out.

That my girls will grow up being surrounded and loved by amazing women is a powerful thing. They have some incredible men in their life too--which is also important. But when it comes to strong role models--caring and creative and dynamic women--they'll have some they can look to. And even though Addie won't remember these days she spends in Balyo Hall, or the many lunches out with Megan, I know without a doubt the love she's getting from a rockstar community of women is making a difference.

It most certainly makes a difference to me.

How about you? Any amazing double x chromosomes you're thankful for today?

W is for...

...our first President: General George Washington (and his dapper white wig).

What do you think, Addie-George? Feeling patriotic on this Presidents' Day?

W is also for wheelbarrow. Our first president was a farmer and a soldier. I wonder if his wheelbarrow was made in the USA? Probably in England. (Have you been to Mount Vernon? It's a fascinating place.)

General Washington's 279th birthday is tomorrow. Addie's twenty-third weekly birthday was yesterday. Celebrations all around!

The photoshoot prop: I remember when I was a kid, we made presidential wigs of some kind in school. Something to do with rolling paper around pencils? When I did a Google search, I discovered this craft of a powdered wig, which I attempted to make out of a paper bag and cotton balls. The trouble was that Addie's head was too small and the paper bag didn't sit very well.

I thought to myself: If only I had something that would hug the shape of her head. Something that has elastic and is soft and pliable?

Oh, that's right. Thanks to a trip to Costco yesterday, I have about 200 of them. They're called diapers.

So a few minutes with Elmer's glue, a diaper (luckily I had a generic white one lying around), a red ribbon, and 100 cotton balls and I was set. It's actually really cute in person. You know. For being a diaper covered in cotton balls.

The celebration of the day: Even though celebrating Presidents' Day isn't all that glamorous--I would be surprised if Hallmark had cards celebrating Presidents' Day--in light of all the global political upheaval, I felt like today is a great day to be thankful for a president who set a precedent of what our nation should expect in a leader. Not everyone agreed with his decision to rule only 8 years, but he was a wise man who knew when to give up power. With one exception (our benevolent dictator FDR who managed to be elected 4 times), our leaders remain in office no more than 8 years.

We may not like them, but we can vote them out. And even if our individual vote can't get them out, the 22nd amendment makes sure they leave after eight years. No fussing about it. No war. No protests. No gunfire in the streets. The outgoing president and the incoming president shake hands and that's that.

It's incredible.

So today I think of General Washington who stepped up and led our nation when it needed him.

And then amazingly he stepped down from the presidency because he thought it was the right thing to do.

After seeing the bloodshed other countries go through, and are currently going through, in order to get new political leaders, I'll never think of Presidents Day the same again.

Happy Presidents' Day. It's a pretty great day to be an American.

For more W pictures (including one with her favorite history teacher) and the rest of Addie's alphabet, click here.

V is for...

...a very sweet Valentine!

And what's that they say about love?

It's all you need, baby.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Hope it's filled with lots of love!

U is for...

...us under the umbrella!

Hey! It's our first formal family picture with Addie. Woo hoo!

Who can always make her baby sister smile? Sydney can!

Who's twenty-two weeks old? Addie is!

Who's a ham in front of the camera? Jules is!

Who's that family of five? Well, hey. That's us.

The Photoshoot: My very wonderful sistah Sarah took the pictures, and then I Photoshopped and Photoshopped and Photoshopped (and may still go back and tweak some of these some more). You know that Windows commercial about the mom trying to get a family picture and she has to combine half a dozen pictures just to get the one that she likes? Yeah, it was like that.

But it all worked out and the grandparents will be happy to finally be getting a family picture of us. And now I can print up our Valentine's Day cards too. If it wasn't almost 2 am in the morning, I'd feel super productive. I do actually still feel production, but I'm also so sleepy. Mamas who have babies who don't sleep all the way through the night shouldn't stay up this late. I tell myself it's for a good cause.

The props: My girls love umbrellas. Love them. The girl would walk around in the house with their umbrellas open if I didn't generally discourage it. Someone always gets poked in the eye, and occasionally that someone is me. So. No inside umbrellas. The above umbrellas have managed to remain mostly unbroken for over a year, which has to be some kind of record. 

I will add that the girls really wanted a unicorn in the picture with us. "U is for unicorn! U is for unicorn!" And call my fussy, but I just didn't want a unicorn in our family pictures. I know. I'm crazy. But, I think I'll still snap a picture of Addie with our family unicorn, and then all will be complete and happy.

For more "U" pictures and Addie's complete alphabet, click here.

And then she was okay

Two days before Addie went into the hospital, a friend of mine posted some very sad news on Facebook. Her friends had lost both their sons in a car accident. The dad was driving, the car was broadsided, the parents suddenly left childless.

I didn't know the family or anything about them, but the mother was a photographer and had posted pictures of her boys on her blog. Smiling, happy, middle school aged boys.

I looked at their faces, and I wept. Losing a child is every parent's nightmare. Losing all the children you have--whether you have one, two, or half a dozen--is unthinkable. One moment you're packing lunches and coordinating soccer schedules and homework projects, the next moment...you're not doing any of that.

Jason and I talked about the awfulness of waking up one day and not having children. Even now, I can hardly bear to imagine it.

Two days after that Facebook post, I was driving Addie to the emergency room. The advice nurse had listened to Addie's breathing over the phone, and told me evenly, "You need to take her right now."

It did not occur to me as I drove down the freeway that Addie wouldn't be fine. Kids get sick. Sometimes kids go to the hospital. She would get better.

And to skip to the end of the story: she did get better.

But back to last Monday...even when I checked in at the hospital, I wasn't overly concerned. Even when they rather quickly ushered us to triage--no waiting around on uncomfortable plastic benches--I felt sure that everything was going to be fine.

But when they started hooking Addie up to computers, started looking concerned when I said she'd been sick for 10 days, when they made sure to mention "RSV" to every doctor and nurse that came by the room, my confidence faltered a little.

Then came the moment they attempted to put the IV in her head. They held her down as she screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed.

Her eyes were wide with terror--her heart rate dangerously high, her oxygen levels dangerously low--and it was the absolute worst moment of my life. I tried to get her to look at me, tried to calm her down by talking to her, holding her hand, stroking her forehead. But she was still terrified. Three times they tried to get an IV in her head; three times they failed.

In the moment I watched Addie screaming, the thought occurred to me, What if I leave the hospital without Addie? What if the last memory I have of her is screaming in terror?

The trouble with being a blog reader is that there is no shortage of heartbreaking stories, and this can both ground you in the reality of lives beyond your own as well as amplify the worries you might have. Real life brings its own set of heartache, but once you get connected to worlds beyond your own you are presented with stories that haunt you. Just this week I've cried over Logan's story, over Kate McRae's story.

The level of sadness is sometimes too much to handle.

When the doctors asked about Addie's pertussis/whooping cough vaccine (thankfully she's received two of the three (?) pertussis vaccines) I thought of the parents who have written about losing their babies to pertussis.

What if the unthinkable happened to us?

As quickly as the thought came into my head, I pushed it out. I wasn't going to fall apart because Addie needed me right then. She needed me to be calm, to reassure her, to hold her and not fall to pieces.

As we rode in the ambulance to the children's hospital, my job was to hold the oxygen in front of Addie' face to make sure her oxygen levels stayed up. "If your arm gets tired," said the EMT, "let me know, and I'll take over."

My arm got tired, but I wasn't letting the EMT take over. This was my job. This was the one thing I could do to help my baby get better. I couldn't listen to her chest or administer medication, but I could hold oxygen in front of her face.

It was midnight by the time we checked in to Doernbecher. It was quiet, and in the quiet I was more aware of the worry that gripped me. Eventually, the doctors making the nightly rounds came by our room and asked me a lot of questions to get a better picture of what Addie had been going through. The respiratory therapist told me that RSV and the ensuing pneumonia was very serious--"a lot of kids are spending 4-5 days in the hospital because of it"--but that they had a good treatment plan for it. "She is a very sick little girl, but she'll get better."

"Because she has to," I told her.

"That's right. Because she has to."

We did stay four nights in the hospital, but after the first 36 hours, I knew Addie was going to be okay. It was just a matter of her lungs healing and her oxygen levels improving. Though I rarely left her side, Wednesday afternoon Jason stayed with Addie while I went home and got some clothes and schoolwork. Then on Thursday, Jason and my parents took turns watching Addie while I went to school to teach my classes.

There is still the possibility that Addie might develop asthma as a result of having RSV, but we can deal with that if it comes up. The important thing is that she's okay. She had her post-hospital doctor's appointment yesterday, and he said her lungs sounded great and her oxygen levels were good. The advice nurse who had listened to Addie's breathing over the phone and told me to go to the emergency room stopped by our room after the check-up. She saw in the computer that we were there, and she wanted to see Addie.

"I watched her chart all week long to see how she was doing. When you called and told me she was taking 80 breaths a minute, I thought you were miscounting. Then I heard her on the phone, and I knew it was serious."

I almost burst into tears when she said that.

"I'm glad she's okay."

There aren't enough words to express my gratitude for Addie's recovery. From all our family, friends, and strangers who were praying for Addie, to the nurses and doctors at Southwest, to the amazing staff at Doernbecher--Dr. Emily, Mr. Food Service Guy who got me hooked up with food while I was at the hospital, Nurse Jessica, the amazing respiratory therapists, and dozens of other people who were part of Addie's care--I just feel really lucky-blessed-amazed that everything turned out the way it did.

*

Even though Doernbecher didn't require me to wear the wrist identification bracelet I got at the emergency room, I kept it on. Even after Addie was discharged I kept it on. I kept it on until just three days ago.

I kept it on because I thought, If something happens to me, someone needs to know that I belong to this little baby.

The world is full of a lot of sad stories, heartbreaking stories, stories that no parent, husband, wife, or child want to experience.

If there is anything I've learned from those stories, it's to be even more grateful for our story. The story that ends with Addie healthy. The happy one.

I didn't do anything to deserve the happy story, but it's the one God has given us at this moment. Not a day goes by that I don't thank Him for that.

And if our story changes? What then?

I don't know.

I just pray it doesn't. It's the only thing I can do.

T is for...

...our little twinkletoes wearing a tutu (on her mamma's last day of being thirty-four).

There's no stopping her from smiling. It's just what she does. Unless I make her wait 5 seconds too long before feeding her. Then she's not smiling. She's not crying very loudly either (she has laryngitis), but she's not smiling.

I try not to make her wait. I'd rather see her smile.

She loves being on her back, kicking her feet up, and rubbing her toes together.

(Shot while looking into a mirror. I'd like to think that I'm cool with my torn up jeans, but really these are just old jeans. Really old. Twenty years old. Thank you, Gap, for making jeans that last forever.)

Big Sister Twinkletoes wanted to get in on the tutu action. The numbering of tutus in our house is staggering, really. And, yet, there's always room for more.

My computer is full of imperfect, out-of-focus baby photos that I don't want to delete because they still capture an expression I love. The above photos fit into that category. Not in focus, but worth keeping anyway!

There's just something about a baby in a tutu that melts my heart. And, let's be honest, this little twenty-week old cutie pie melts my heart every day regardless of her attire.

My favorite shot?

Seriously. She kills me with her cuteness.

The tutu of the photoshoot: Amazingly enough, this tutu has managed to survive many years of wear. I made it when Jules was eight months old, and here it is for Addie, all these many moons later. Once she starts sitting up on her own, I think I'll need to make Addie her own tutu. And maybe another one for me. Because we love tutus, yes we do.

If you want to see all of Addie's alphabet and even more tutu pictures (including a not-quite-there shot of all three girls together), click here for the Flickr stream.

The end.

S is for...

...singing Sydney in her sparkly shoes sitting with her so sweet baby sister on the slide in the sun!

Big smiles for this week's picture, even if it is a week late. But, as I said before, we wanted to wait until everyone was healthy.

Sydney was so excited to finally take the "s" picture. She's been thinking about it for weeks. Every time she'd think of a different "s" word, she'd ask if we could put it in the picture.

"Can we get some stars?"

"I better wear a skirt!"

"Addie needs to wear her 'so sweet' shirt!"

"Make sure Addie is smiling for the picture!"

"Can we wait until the sun comes out to take the picture?"

And on and on. This has been such a fun project, not only for obvious "photo taking" reasons, but also because it's really inspired the girls to think of alphabet themes.

Hooray for smiley girls, for healthy girls, for 20-week old baby sisters who are happy to be home.

The "T" picture will be posted later today or tomorrow.

A word of thanks from Addie

Last night, the respiratory therapist took Addie completely off oxygen. It was a bit rough at first. She had some extended moments of her O2 stats being in the upper 80s, which is not good enough. But she worked at it, she continued to nurse, she even decided to keep me up for a few hours in the middle of the night showing me her new trick of rolling over. I was happy in my heart, even if I was so exhausted I could hardly keep my eyes open.

We got through the night, and guess what?

Well, I'll let her tell you the good news.

Four nights and three days later, we get to go home.

She and I celebrated by having a dance party in the hospital room. Oh yeah. A little "Hey Soul Sister" was definitely in order.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your prayers. You'll never know how much it meant to me.

From the 9th Floor

When we first arrived at Doernbecher Children's Hospital, the EMT--we arrived by ambulance--told me that we would be going to the ninth floor.

"We take kids to the 9th floor and the 6th floor. The 6th floor* is sad; it's good you aren't going there."

I knew, of course, what she meant by "sad." Any parent can read between the lines on that one.

So, here we are on 9th floor, feeling grateful even though it's certainly been one of the more difficult weeks of my life. Other than when I had my babies, I've never stayed overnight in the hospital. Other than when they were born, my babies have never stayed the night in the hospital.

Until now.

(Edited to add: the EMT must have got her numbers mixed up a little bit; as far as I can tell, the Children's Hospital doesn't have a sixth floor, and perhaps she meant the 7th floor. But the EMT still made her point.)

*

So here's the update, some of which you might have already read on Facebook.

Addie is still on oxygen, but not as much. When she arrived, they had her on 60% oxygen (room level oxygen is 21%). She's now on 31%. She no longer has a fever. And today, for the first time since Monday evening, I was able to nurse her. Three times, in fact. It was a happy happy moment.

She still has a crackle sound in her lungs, but her respiratory rate is improving. When she arrived, she was taking at least 80 breaths a minute. As of this evening, she was down to 50.

Her energy level is improved, and she's smiling even at the masked doctors who sometimes make her mad when they suction out goop from her nose. Because Addie has RSV, then she is considered to be in isolation. This means all the doctors have to wear gloves, masks, and coats, and those gloves, masks, and coats have to be disposed of in this room--they can't go out into the hallway.

After tonight, the doctors--and because this is a teaching hospital, there are lots and lots of doctors who see us when they make the rounds--will assess Addie's breathing and see if she can go home tomorrow. Maybe. Hopefully. But if not tomorrow, then Friday. As one doctor said, "She's definitely on the upward swing."

It'll be good when we get home, but it does bring me a great measure of peace knowing that she is getting some really good care and treatment here.

*

I will say, there have been scary moments.

Monday morning, when Addie couldn't breathe and was vomiting, I was scared.

On Monday afternoon, when I called the advice nurse and she listened to Addie's breathing over the phone, and then said, "You need to take her to the emergency room," I was scared.

I was scared when the ER doctor told me she had pneumonia, "extensive pneumonia," she said.

I was scared when I watched her oxygen stats fall into the low 80s when healthy levels are in the upper 90s.

When the nurses tried and failed three times to get an IV in Addie's head, I could barely keep from sobbing. Addie screamed--in pain and in terror--and even now when I remember that moment...tears.

It's been a rough week, that's for sure.

Not once, though, have I felt alone. I knew lots of people were praying for Addie, and just when I needed some encouragement, a little button on my phone would light up and I'd read someone's words letting me know that they were praying. They were thinking of Addie.

You were thinking of Addie.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

As a person of faith, a person who believes in the power of prayer, I believe that your prayers helped Addie. I believe in the power of medicine and wise doctors and progressive science too, but I believe that prayers brought the right medicine, the right doctors, the right science to help Addie out.

*

Yes, it's been hard. It's been scary. It's been exhausting.

But she's getting better. And here on the 9th floor, I'm grateful for that.

R is (also) for...

...a mostly recovered Addie relaxing on her rainbow quilt, sporting a (Photoshopped on) lyrical quote from one of my favorite movies (a title that's rather appropriate considering we got buckets and buckets of rain this week, and the creek has totally flooded).

Since we're all feeling a bit under the weather, then perhaps this week's R isn't at it's most creative. But that's okay.

R is also for...

...reflection. Little Miss loves looking at herself in the mirror; we even have a little song and dance number that we do every day in front of the mirror.

Other reflections from this week? Adelynn had a well baby check-up last Monday and weighs a good 14 1/2 pounds and measures 25.25" tall. Evidently that puts her in the tall and skinny category, although her mama thinks her legs and cheeks are splendidly plump enough for kissing.

She's not rolling over...yet. She thinks about, she kinda tries, but she's just not that interested. I thought she might be at the rolling over stage in time for this week's photo, but it didn't happen. Oh well.

Our little Addie-kins...a ridiculously adorable 18-week old!

For Addie's complete alphabet, click here.

R is for...

...RSV--otherwise known as respiratory syncytial virus--and it is cause for postponing today's "R" picture. Poor sweet Addie evidently picked up the virus last week sometime, and by Thursday night had a full-on case of bronchiolitis (diagnosed by her pediatrician on Friday morning).

Because Addie is a generally happy baby, it was very obvious she wasn't feeling well. She didn't want to eat, could hardly sleep, and around 1 am Friday morning I found myself sitting on the steps outside our front door, holding a feverish baby struggling to breathe.

Anyone who has held a child who's fighting for each breath can tell you it's one of the most agonizing things ever. Ever. 

I held her that night, counting her breaths. I watched her chest rise and fall--52, 53, 54, 55, 56--and could feel myself holding my own breath--57, 58, 59, 60. And then the minute would start over.

More than 60 breaths in a minute meant I needed to call 911.

She was close, but she kept it at 60 or under. In between the moments of listening to her breathe, I listened to the night sounds. I heard frogs croaking, heard the far-off sound of traffic crossing the Salmon Creek bridge. I heard tree needles fall onto the carport roof.

It was a quiet night, except for the labored breaths, except for the cry of pain after a cough.

That night there was no rest for the weary or the worried, but eventually morning came and with it an open doctor's office which gave Addie a breathing treatment and a prescription for an inhaler (with a special breathing tube that allows babies to breathe in the medication from the inhaler). Jason took the day off from work to watch over Jules--also sick--and allow me to nap when I could.

Friday night found Addie and I on the outside steps again, intermittently sleeping. We alternated between sleeping outside and sleeping on the bathroom floor as a hot shower filled the room with steam.

Again the quiet night. Again the coughs and wheezes. Again the frogs.

Yesterday and today, Addie has improved. She smiled this morning after a night spent entirely indoors, in bed. A good sign.

My arms and shoulders and neck ache, and I'm coming down with something myself, but it's okay. It's okay because we're okay.

We're all breathing at a normal rate, and for that I'm grateful.

Q is for...

...Queen Adelynn on her royal quilt ruling the world with her (un)quiet sceptre.

Her excellency has created very few laws for her kingdom: feed her, hold her, smile at her, and have her binky ready at all times. She rules the house with a smiling face, and all her subjects are madly in love with her.

Long live Queen Addie!

*

The props behind the photoshoot: First, something new: Last week, one of Jason's coworkers gave Addie this quilt that she made especially for the Q photo! Isn't that so sweet? Bless her. It is such a sweet quilt, and so soft. We love it.

Second, something old: The crown Addie is wearing once belonged to her Grandma Sharon, who received it when she was crowned Miss Eugene back in the day. This year, she gave the tiara to Sydney, who graciously loaned it to Addie for a few minutes.

Can you believe Addie is 17 weeks old already?

P is for...

...pretty in pink playing with her sisters' Pillow Pets!

"Groovy. There's a unicorn looking at me."

Well, I did go see Hair in Portland Friday night. But that has nothing to do with the unicorn in front of you. Promise.

Sixteen weeks old, and we still think Adelynn is pretty perfect!

*

The props of the photoshoot: After weeks of my family humoring me with Addie's Alphabet, I decided to let Sydney call the shots on this one. My original idea was popcorn and pretzels (with a New Year's party twist), but Syd really wanted me to use the pillow pets the girls got from Grandpa Chuck and Grandma Sharon for Christmas. The girls have been wanting those pillow pets ever since they saw a commercial for them a few months ago. Evidently they are quite *the thing.* The grandparents were super kind to indulge my children's Christmas wishes.

Bonus P's: The pink and purple quilt in the photo was made by our friend Pat.

As for the photo direction, it went something like this:

Sydney looking at the tag on the pillow pet and reading it aloud: "Pillow Pet. Pillow Pet. Hey! Mom! That's TWO P's. TWO! You have to use Pillow Pet for Addie's P picture because there's two P's in Pillow Pet!"

Sure thing, sweetie pie. And actually Syd had a whole plan for how the picture would be with Jules on one side and her on the other and Addie in the middle and the pillow pets dancing around or something, but I convinced her to let me simplify the photo a bit. Watch out for Syd's creative juices to take over for the letter "s."

For the complete set of Addie's Alphabet and a couple more P shots, click here.

O is for...

...ocean in view! O! The Joy!

It was a typical day at the Oregon coast: cold, windy, rainy. It was, perhaps, even worse weather than when Lewis and Clark would have first spotted the Pacific Ocean (the quote is taken from Lewis' journal, though I fixed his spelling errors (he was a free-spirited speller)).

Love as wide as the ocean.

The photoshoot: My family is uber-tolerant of my whims. On a gray, windy, RAINY day, we drove the 2+ hours to Seaside, Oregon, and tromped on down to the beach. This is the kind of day you want an ocean-front hotel room, with a fire-blazing, and hot cocoa in your mug. It is not the kind of day for photos.

But!

We took photos! Because we live in the Pacific Northwest! And what's a little rain to keep us from making Addie's Alphabet extra special?

Even more exciting? I forgot the outfit Addie was supposed to wear down to the beach, so we improvised with jammies and a hat fortuitously forgotten in the back of the car.

If Addie had been born in mid-spring instead of mid-September, perhaps I could have got a photo like this one, but since it would have been rather indulgent to fly to a warmer climate just for a photo, then we worked with what we had.

Fortunately, the girls thought the beach was wild and crazy fun, and the two trips on the carousel, a visit to a cool toy shop, and a bag full of taffy made them cheery and bright.

Merry day-after Christmas to us, and our 15-week old sweetie pie!

For the complete set of Addie's Alphabet, click here.

N is for...

...Nativity scene with all the cousins.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby,
keeping watch over their flocks by night.
An angel of the Lord appeared to them,
and the glory of the Lord shone around them,
and they were terrified. But the angel said to them,
"Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.
Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."

Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked,
"Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews?
We saw his star in the east and have come to worship Him."

The shepherds hurried off and found Mary and Joseph,
and the baby, who was lying in the manger.
When they had seen him, they spread the word
concerning what had been told them about this child,
and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God
for all the things they had heard and seen,
which were just as they had been told.

(from Luke 2 & Matthew 2)

The photoshoot: Back in September when I decided to do Adelynn's alphabet, I flipped through the calendar to see what letter would land the week before Christmas. From that moment on, I started mentally planning the nativity scene with all the Family Farm cousins. It was absolutely a group effort to get this picture.

Since my sewing skills are lacking, Aunt Jane (grandma to two of the "wisemen" and "Joseph") and I went to Joanne's Fabric to get material, and then she sewed the costumes.

She and my cousin Donnelle were on hand to pin and tie and wrangle the kids into their costumes. Aunt Jane and Uncle Don also graciously loaned their Turkish antiques for props.

Thank you, Aunt Jane, for the sewing!

Thank you Sarah for taking the photos! (We have a good system: she takes the photos, and I Photoshop them. Love it.)

And thank you, Dad, for building the manger. I think Addie kind of liked it.

She was so happy! Too bad we weren't doing a full-on Christmas program because that girl would have soaked it all in. Not too many babies get a moment to play Baby Jesus, so Addie made sure to shine.

The reason for the photo: Obviously, there are lots of things I could have done for the letter "N," but I chose Nativity because the birth of Jesus is one of the cornerstones of my faith, and the faith of everyone here on the Family Farm. Yes, Christmas is about family and giving, but for my family and me, it's more than that.

When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life. (Titus 3:4-7)

I've received many wonderful gifts this year--Jason's employment, a beautiful baby, another year with family--but more than anything, I'll be celebrating the gift I gratefully accepted many years ago: the gift of love in the form of a tiny baby who arrived in a stable on a starry night in Bethlehem so very long ago.

Merry Christmas to all.

M is for...

...a Momma who loves her Adelynn very much.

To the moon and back, my love.

Three months old today.

*

A million thanks to Sarah for taking the pictures.

*

For more "M" pictures and the rest of Addie's Alphabet, click here.

L is for...

...our littlest light whose laugh is the one of the best sounds in the world.

All I want for Christmas...

...is more of these smiles.

And if Santa can fit it in my stocking, a good night's sleep from my little lamb is always nice.

The photoshoot: This week, I turned to my Facebook friends to give me some ideas. Even though Little Miss is a good sleeper, I'm still a little foggy some days. My fabulous FB peeps gave me some great ideas: lollipops, lavender, legs, lips, lions, literature, love, limes, lemons, ladybugs, lace, licorice, laundry, and others (even "lice and leprosy" from my sweet friend Becca, who clearly hasn't read enough Anne Geddes books). Thanks to all their suggestions, I had so many ideas for this week's picture. I even remember that many weeks ago I had thought of doing a laundry-inspired photoshoot for the letter L.

But it's December.

And Christmastime.

And our tree is up, the lights are on our house, and the candy-cane shaped jingle bells are hanging on our door. So I had to go with lights. And then--because I had the hat and she was sleeping--I got the lamb photo.

It's appropriate, anyway, since Adelynn has brought so much light into my life. Of course, all my children have brought me light and beauty and joy, but there was something special about having this baby after a long-haul pregnancy that just made me appreciate life in a whole new way.

To my little light, my love. You made our family complete.

Addie's complete alphabet can be viewed here.

K is for...

...kites!

(Quote by Lauren Bacall)

About the photoshoot: A former student of mine made this quilt for Sydney because Syd's room was decorated in kites (here's an old picture of how her room used to look). The reason I chose kites for Syd's room was because Jason's dad is really into flying kites, and also kites are a nice geometric shape, which babies are attracted to.

More than six years later, the kite quilt appears again.

Bonus shot for the silent, sleepy letter K:

Knitted hats to keep Addie's head warm while we stomped around the Christmas tree farm. (Interesting fact: this particular knitted hat used to be mine when I was a kid. It was a tribute to my Strawberry Shortcake devotion.)

Happy 11-week old birthday to my sweet girl.

Here's the full set of Addie's Alphabet.

J is for...

...a jolly Julianne and jars full of jellybeans.

Adelynn is clearly eyeing the candy. If only she could just reach a little farther...

She did actually get her hand on the jar shortly after this picture and the jar toppled over.

About the photoshoot: I knew J was going to be for Julianne, and then I figured I better pick another prop that Jules is attached to. Thus, jars of jellybeans. If ever there was a candy addict, it's Jules. The girl can eat more candy than I can, and even though I told her that for this picture she could eat as many jellybeans as she wanted, I did finally have to distract her with some carrot sticks. Her stomach seemed to handle the many handfuls of jellybeans, although the ensuing sugar crash was not exactly pleasant for any of us. But hey. I got the picture.

Not only did I pick jellybeans because of Jules, but also because in my family we have this quirky little deal where we periodically call each other Jellybean. My dad started it with, "You know what I mean, Jellybean?" and then we started calling my youngest brother Jakey-bean, and then eventually just Bean. And now, it's all beans and jellybeans and beanie mcfly.

Oh, and by the way, look who is pushing herself up!

Seriously, you gotta meet this baby. She is just the sweetest thing on Earth.

*

Click here for the full set of Adelynn's alphabet.

I is for...

...ice cream and imagination. I think both are pretty fun.

And just for Raehan and last night's comment:

It's Addie.

I know. You can hardly recognize her, right?

That's because she's incognito.

Behind the photoshoot: I don't know what I was thinking. Well, I do know what I was thinking. I was thinking "ice cream" would be fun, and tasty, and definitely something that Addie would enjoy seeing in her alphabet book. It turns out, it is very tricky to photograph babies--particularly the kind that cannot sit up or hold items for very long--with ice cream cones. If you've ever thought to yourself, "Maybe I want to take a picture of my 2-month old baby with ice cream," I might discourage you from attempting it. Let me know it goes, at any rate.

I got exactly one shot before Addie squirmed over and touched her head on that ice cream. She might not have exactly screamed over the ice cream, but there were some tears. So, that was the end of that.

For more of Addie's Alphabet (although not any other ice cream shots, I can tell you), here's the complete Flickr set.

H is for...

(are you ready for it?...)

...happy hats for a happy baby!

This is the hat that Jules wore home from the hospital, and now Addie gets her turn at wearing it (though not for long...it's already a bit small on her).

...hats with history!

This is a hat gifted to us from Aunt Sarah, who bought it in Mexico for one of her nieces. It's made the rounds through Sarah's family, and now Addie gets a turn at wearing it this winter. I just LOVE knitted baby hats, and I'm always tempted to buy them.

...hats from her uncle Nathan.

Yes, having an uncle who lives in Rhode Island has made it necessary for our girls to root for New England teams.

Adelynn is very happy to be 8 weeks old!

Behind the photoshoot: Since I want each letter represented by a concrete noun that Addie will be able to identify in a photobook, that nixed a few of my ideas for H. Addie's middle name starts with H, but names are kind of abstract. "Happy" and "home" are also great H words, but also more abstract. So, I thought I'd do "hugs" for this week.

That particular photo shoot didn't go quite as planned...

Between Jules's miserable expression (she says she was hungry) and Addie's semi-terrified one, this is probably not the Christmas photo that we'll be sending out this year (although it might make people laugh). I didn't even bother Photoshopping the spit-up off Addie's dress...this is what you call a "real moment" in our house.

When the hugging turned out to be less than happy, I turned to a less fussy prop, and one that Adelynn found considerably less frightening than her time with the big sisters.

*

For more "H" shots--including a hug from Sydney and from me--and the rest of Adelynn's alphabet, check out the Flickr set.

Smiling at You

(photo taken by Sarah)

G is for...

...Grandpa Chuck...

...Grandma Sharon...

...Grandma Nancy...

...and Grandpa Steve!

Hooray for being seven weeks old!

The story behind the photoshoot: My girls are so very, very lucky to have four grandparents who love them very, very much. (They are also fortunate enough to have living great-grandparents who love them, although we've had some big great-grandparent losses over the past year.) When I think of my grandparents, certain images of them spring to mind. I think of my Grandpa Larson on the tractor, my Grandma Larson baking. I think of my Grandma Stout waltzing in her living room, and my Grandpa Stout (still living, thankfully) laughing and--from when we lived in Salem--sitting in the car getting ready to drive Sydney up to the Family Farm.

My girls will remember lots of things about Jason's and my parents, but if I were to guess, I think certain images will pop to mind when they think of their grandparents. They'll hear the sound of milk steaming and think of Grandpa Chuck making coffee. They'll see quilts and smell coffee and think of Grandma Sharon drinking coffee from her lovely coffee mugs. They'll need help burning a DVD of a movie or finding the lyrics to a song and think of Grandma Nancy working at the computer. They'll want a thrill of zooming around the farm checking mole traps and think of Grandpa Steve riding on the mule.

This week I tried to capture the grandparents doing the things that are so distinctly them. Thank you, Grandparents, for loving my kids!

For what it's worth: I love all the pictures I took this week, but the above picture chokes me up a little bit. It's a bit out of focus and was taken as I was trying to get the lighting right, but I love it anyway because it exactly captures my dad and Addie, as well as reminds me of growing up on the farm with my grandpa. It just goes to show, sometimes the perfect shot isn't always the perfect shot, and that's part of what makes it perfect.

*

For the complete set of Adelynn's Alphabet, check on the Flickr set.

What Keeps Me Busy

I've heard people say, "How hard is it to take care of a newborn?"

The answer is: "Not too hard if you don't have anything else in the world to do."

Ergo, my house is something of a mess right now.

The reason is this:

And this:

And I can't forget this:

I mean, seriously. How can I possibly fold laundry/do dishes/wipe countertops when I have newborn smiles and coos distracting me? Let's not forget that she even smiles in her sleep. She's totally got the upper-hand, this one.

Sometimes I just have to let the house wait. I've got smiles to keep me busy.

 

F is for...

...five pairs of feet for our fabulous family!

I love baby feet. I just want to nibble on Addie's toes!

Six weeks old!

*

The photoshoot: I thought the family shot would be easy because I wouldn't have to worry about facial expressions. Turns out, feet have expressions too, and they need to be coached to look nice for the camera. My girls were gems though as I set up the whole thing. They let me do some practice shots (here and here), and then we all piled on the couch for the final shot. Eventually I want to get an outdoor shot (like this one) and have it printed on canvas for our wall. Alas, it's raining cats and dogs today, so the outdoor shot will have to wait.

Don't you just love baby feet? They are so sweet!

{Here's the full set of Adelynn's Alphabet at Flickr.}

 

E is for...

...extra special! (or is it "eggstra" special?)

chirp! says the new little bird hatched from the egg.

Zzzz, says the bird after all that chirping.

Hi, says the bird who is wondering what on earth her momma is doing with the camera.

And for good measure, a bonus "E is for ears" shot:

I whisper into those ears all day long. You are so smart, I tell her. Can you believe you're five weeks old already?

I can't believe it! she says.

She's easily amazed, this one.

*

The photoshoot: I admit, I had a bit of trouble with this week's letter. We don't have any elephants around here, or eagles, or other wild animals that I wouldn't get Addie near anyway even if we did live near them. So, I browsed around Flickr, and found this adorable shot, which was sort of the inspiration behind the idea. But Addie is no longer that small, that flexible, or that willing to stay asleep in cute poses. So we winged it (ha!). 

For the full set of Adelynn's Alphabet, here they are on Flickr.

Three Girls, One Happy Momma

"In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips." ~Author Unknown

Their memory of first meeting Adelynn may grow a little fuzzy around the edges, but I'll remind them when she's big enough to get into their toys, strong enough to pull their hair, and clever enough to tease them in the car: you loved this little baby even before you set eyes on her.

You were so excited you couldn't even be bothered to wash off the face paint from your afternoon at the church picnic.

You fussed when you had to take turns holding her, wanted to always have one hand on her, and couldn't stop kissing her.

I think one of the best gifts I could have given you was a sister.

And now you each have two.

The Moment I Loved Her: Birth Story part 2

Even though yesterday I compared delivery day to a marathon, now that I think about it, it was really less of a marathon and more of finally spotting the finish line. Going into labor was pure joy for me. And my come-to-Jesus moment earlier in the morning when I discovered that I really did want to have this sweet baby was just icing on the cake. I suppose that's one upside to having prenatal depression: labor and delivery is a relief. Finally! I thought, I don't have to be pregnant anymore!

But just to prove that I wasn't smiling the whole time, I give you a picture of me going through a contraction.

See? I wasn't a cheerleader the whole time...just most of the time. (And notice my fingers on my arm? That's me distracting myself from the pain.)

At 11:15 am I called my dad. Get the girls ready, I told him.

And then we all geared up to meet Adelynn.

Adding a little bit of "excitement" to the event was that my nurse was concerned about meconium aspiration syndrome, which can cause respiratory problems in the baby. Nurse Galina called in a team of doctors who lined the wall as I did my deep breathing, waiting for Addie's arrival. It did unnerve me a little bit because I felt like I needed to get the job done so the doctors could be on their way. What a crazy thing to worry about.

About 11:25 I decided to make an effort to get Addie from being in my tummy to being in my arms. Because I had a serious laceration during Sydney's delivery, then my policy for Jules and Addie was to practice laboring down rather than work too hard at pushing. This definitely doesn't make the delivery go faster, but it seems to really work for me and my post-labor recovery. Also, it isn't so exhausting.

Thirty-five minutes of deep breathing (I don't hold my breath for pushing...it's counter-intuitive to how I breathe), and then there she was.

Our Adelynn. Born at high noon.

She was perfect, although quiet. The doctors didn't quite want to leave until they heard her give a nice bellow, but the most she could muster out was a squeak. It was good enough, and in the end we didn't need the team of doctors. We didn't need anything except our sweet baby.

 

I wanted to immediately start nursing her. I wanted to hold her forever. I wanted to tell her that we'd had a rough go of it for the last few months, but we were okay now. Instead, I just smiled at her, kissed her forehead, and told her I loved her. Then I was persuaded to let the doctors weigh and measure her.

I love Jason's face in this picture. It's exactly what we were all feeling. Love and wonder, people. Love and wonder.

And next to Jason, my personal hero of the day was Megan.

She was amazing. (She eventually left for the afternoon to go back to her family, but when she came back to the hospital, she brought us dinner from Olive Garden. Including, by special request, TIRAMISU! I got TWO pieces of TIRAMISU! Seriously. Megan's the bestest.)

Eventually we got our sweet baby back.

And after I filled her tummy with milk, and her ears with words of love and sweetness, she made the rounds.

And my mom called my dad (who was still at the church picnic) and gave him the news. Sarah captured that moment.

 

*

I can't quiet describe that moment where my heart was transformed to being overflowing with love for this little person. All I can tell you is that I had a really hard pregnancy, where I couldn't imagine myself loving this new baby. And then in the blink of an eye, on September 12, my heart grew and embraced her with more love than I have words for.

Of course it would be that way. Of course I would love her. And I shouldn't have been surprised, except...I was.

It's no wonder I'm smiling in all my labor and delivery pictures.

I'm someone who went through hell and couldn't wait to finally look on a face from God.

 

It wasn't easy, Baby, but you were worth it. You were so totally worth it.

*

Tomorrow? Photos of the big sisters meeting the little sister.

The Moment I Loved Her: Birth Story part 1

One month ago this sweet face entered the world.

 

The story of her arrival is just as wonderful and special as any ordinary birth story. I've decided not to be brief, nor overly eloquent, but just to tell the story that I want to tell. It's Tuesday, my one-month old baby is sleeping quietly next to me, and I'm feeling sassy that way.

*

I couldn't go to sleep the night of the 11th. I stayed up, reading fascinating articles on Slate and hoping that I really was going into labor. About midnight I determined that my contractions were close enough together so I ought to pack a bag. As I packed my bag, Jason woke up and asked what I was doing.

"I think I better pack my bag," I said.

"Oh boy," he said and then went back to sleep (he will tell you that he didn't really go back to sleep...he was just resting his eyes on account of it being the middle of the night and all).

For the record, Jason had asked me to pack my bag two weeks earlier, but I was stubborn and refused. He brought the suitcase up from the basement, and there it sat, in our room, where Jason would occasionally glance meaningfully at it. The last time I packed early for something was when I was 16 on my way to summer camp, and there was no sense in breaking my 18-year streak just because I was going to be giving birth.

After all, a person needs something to do to distract from all those contractions.

Not that I really needed distracting. No sirree. I was excited and no small amount of pain was going to keep me from laughing at midnight.

Around 2:30 am, I called my parents and told my dad he'd need to walk over and watch the girls while we went to the hospital.

"Well, all right," he said.

I thought this would be a good opportunity to take a nice hot shower knowing that I probably wouldn't get one for the rest of the day. As I took a shower, I practiced my hypnobirthing techniques. I wasn't going all out on the hypnobirthing, but I have some practice at focusing my mind on something other than pain. Years of migraines have taught me that. So there I stood, our hot water tank shortly about to be empty, and realized that the pressure of the water on my face was the perfect distraction. If I could focus on that slight pressure on my skin, I could easily get through the contractions.

An hour later, Jason and I were on our way to the hospital, and my excited jitters compensated for Jason's exhaustion. Poor guy. He was tired, and I was just gearing up for a marathon. All I needed was some Black Eyed Peas playing over the radio, and it would have been a regular party.

We checked in at the hospital about 4 am, and after signing some paperwork (fortunately I had pre-registered, so not too much paperwork), I was marched off to triage. I filled out more paperwork, answered some questions about whatever, and got hooked up. I was dilated to 5 cm, which was thrilling because that meant they wouldn't send me home. As each contraction washed over me, I had Jason rub my arm (imitating the feeling of the water from the shower) while I counted dots on the ceiling. Not just regular counting, mind you. Alternately counting by 3's and 5's. I don't know. It just seemed like the thing to do. And it worked.

The first contraction that measured on the machine showed a sharp decrease in Baby's heartbeat.

"Well, that's not great," said the nurse. "Baby's not quite cooperating here."

I felt a moment of panic. I had not planned for any drama, not expected anything other than just what I had experienced with the other two. When I heard the nurse's words, I felt fear.

And in that moment I realized: I loved this baby. I wanted this baby. For all the months of apathy and depression, I had never particularly felt anything toward the baby. But in that moment, where her tiny heart slowed way down, I knew I would do anything to protect her.

A twinge of fear, and then...the heartbeat resumed. The nurse said, "It might have been nothing." It did turn out to be nothing, but that instant of nothing helped me turn the corner and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

At 4:10 am, I fell in love with Adelynn. I was having a baby. My baby. Our baby. This baby. Such joy.

*

I waited until 4:30 to call my BFF Megan. No answer. She was, obviously, sleeping. I called again. Jason dozed off in the chair as I hung out in triage. I texted Megan. Eventually, I decided that I better call Megan's home phone even though I was afraid it might wake up her daughter.

Thankfully, that phone call didn't wake up Amelia. But it did wake up Megan. We squealed on the phone, and I was relieved that my friend would be here for Baby's birth. (As a sidenote to Megan's story: Sunday turned out to be the perfect day for her to be at Adelynn's birth because her whole day was free, unlike the Saturday before or the Monday next. Hooray for serendipitous births).

Around 5 or 6 am, I moved into my hospital room (one of the few remaining, they said. Lots of babies born the day before), and decided that I would get an epidural.

I had always planned on getting the epidural, but since I was doing so well managing contractions then I briefly considered not getting one. I might have been fine without one, but I didn't want to chance getting panicked by the pain, so I got one.

Well, I got one in my left leg. In a lovely twist of medical fate, my right side was epidural free. Call me crazy, but I thought it was sort of cool that I got to experience half the contractions. The doctor said they could readjust my epidural, but I wanted it the way it was. It humored me.

*

Megan showed up around 7, and the photodocumenting began.

 

There are no less than half a dozen photos of Megan and me posing for the camera, because really, it was a party. We were giddy with exhaustion and hopped up on excitement. Crazy kids.

 

Poor Jason was so tired. He slept through part of the party. But he was there for me when I needed him.

Having babies makes me feel like a rockstar. It's so exhilarating.

Nurse Galina showed up and she was lovely. There was a brief moment of introduction where I was afraid she might be too chatty, but then I was quickly won over by her charm. Lovely lovely lady. Jason's mom showed up, then my mom showed up, and then we all just hung out for a few hours waiting for Addie to arrive.

I called my dad at 11:15 and told him that Addie would be here in about 30 minutes, so would he please bring the big sisters in a couple hours. He and the girls were having a good time at a church picnic, and just as soon as they were done with the face painting they'd take a trip to the hospital.

At 11:15 I'd said 30 minutes.

I wasn't too far off.

And since I hear my little one-month rustling around, that part of the story will need to wait until tomorrow.

D is for...

 

...Daddy, Addie, and Doggies!

Four weeks old!

*

The dogs behind the photoshoot: Here on the Family Farm we have no shortage of dogs. My parents have Doogie (the black shitzu), and my brother has Iggy (the yellow lab), Quoyle (the terrier mutt), and Boo (not pictured...he was too busy eating to be bothered). Additionally, my cousins have half a dozen dogs, but they're a bit rambunctious, so they didn't get invited to the photoshoot. Our girls are dying to get another dog like our beloved Daisy, but we've been slow to replace her. Someday. Maybe. Either way, our girls will grow up around dogs, even if we aren't the ones feeding them (which seems like the better end of the deal to me).

The story behind the photoshoot:  Considering that the dogs would rather run wild and bark like lunatics, I knew we'd have to contain them. Ergo, they all ended up in the back of my dad's GMC truck. Even still, they had to be persuaded to look at the camera, so my brother, my mom, and my dad were in charge of that (here's an outtake of how that went down). Adelynn was quite sleepy and pretty much slept through the whole affair.

*

For more "D" photos, as well as the previous A, B, and C photos, here's the link to the Flickr set.

C is for...

...my cute little cupcake!

*

The props behind the photoshoot: When I decided to do the cupcake theme, I had initially planned on just making the cupcakes myself. But then when I made plans to have lunch with Megan in Portland, I decided I better get those cupcakes from Saint Cupcake.

Haven't been to Saint Cupcake? Oh, man. They have the best cupcakes. Andrea and I did a cupcake search in Portland, and of all our taste tests Saint Cupcake's was the best. Especially their coconut one. Delish.

Previously, I'd just been to the store in NW Portland, but on Friday I ventured out to the store in SE Portland because I heard they had party supplies. They did, and so I snagged myself those super cool alphabet cups. I really wanted to buy about a dozen other things, but fortunately (for my wallet), I was already carrying the diaper bag, Addie in the carseat, a box of cupcakes, and a stack of alphabet cups. My hands were full.

The story behind the photoshoot:The outdoor shots were taken on Friday primarily because I didn't want to wait until the next day to each a cupcake. Those cupcakes are seriously good! When my favorite neighbor cousin came over to hold Addie, I promptly enlisted her help in taking pictures. The light was good, and there wasn't any wind, and Addie was in a generally good mood, so I snapped up a couple dozen pictures. Donnelle made sure Addie didn't fall off the table (or out of the bowl), as well as kept the curious cat off the table.

Bonus C's for the shot: Cousin and Cat.

Unfortunately, I'm still trying to figure out how to use my dad's fancy camera and misfocused nearly all of the photos.

Day 2 of the photoshoot (I do not plan on doing two days of photoshoots in the future), I had to take the picture inside because it was too windy outside and the cups kept falling over. With a new basket prop provided by my mom, and Jason's help in keeping Adelynn safe (as well as some serious lighting help in Photoshop), I got the inside shots. You might notice that there are significantly fewer cupcakes in the indoor shots.

Addie smashed one with her foot. As for the others?

Well, I told you those cupcakes were good.

B is for...

...my beautiful baby who will have lots and lots of books read to her.

*

About a week after Addie was born I got an idea: what if I could capture each week of her life for the first several months with an alphabet-themed photo and then make an ABC photobook featuring Addie and her big sisters? Since Adelynn's name starts with A, then I only had to commit to one week, and then see if it was something I could do.

Here we are at week 2 (aka: Week B), and I think I can do this. In fact, I'm kinda crazy excited about the idea.

Conveniently, the alphabet has 26 letters and that equals out to six months. (Also conveniently, the letter V falls just before Valentine's Day! How sweet is that?) My plan is to post Addie's alphabet picture (or pictures, as the case may be) every Sunday. After all, she was born on a Sunday.

*

The titles of the books in the left stack aren't random: they create an acrostic for Adelynn's name. For a list of the books, click on the photo, and you'll find them posted on the photo's Flickr page.

Weird bit of trivia: we only have one book in our library that starts with the letter Y.

Big Sisters ♥ Baby Sisters

I keep meaning to write, but that would involve putting Adelynn down. Even now, I'm typing one-handed, which is something of a chore.

We're smitten with this new sister. Smitten, I tell ya.