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Creature Bug

  • Great women...may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.

Small Reads

Tiny Reads


Big Reads

Smart Reads

  • : Steering the Craft

    Steering the Craft
    by Ursula K. Le Guin. Wonderful writing prompts and literary snippets.

  • : Teaching Writing in Middle and Secondary Schools

    Teaching Writing in Middle and Secondary Schools
    by Margot Iris Soven. Theory, Research and Practice well worth reading if you teach writing.

  • : In the Middle

    In the Middle
    by Nancie Atwell. Greatly influenced how I taught writing when I was in the secondary classroom. Even though some aren't keen on the workshop method, this book still has some great ideas.

Banner Heaven

  • (16) February 08
    Where old banners retire in peace.

Posts categorized "Me & My Shadow"

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Inadequate

I went to a baby shower today for a former professor of mine, and a few hours before the party I was trying to think of something to write in the card. For as much writing as I do, I find my card writing to be rather inadequate. Christmas, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries--the kind of writing I do doesn't fit well in a card. I'm a better storyteller than I am greeting card quipper. But today I tried to think of something more clever than "yay for having a baby," especially since this was the professor who taught the best writing course I've ever taken.

I settled on something about parenting being the best and hardest job he and his wife would ever have, as well as how much it changes you. More than you expect. More than you can define. Just more.

And as I've sat down this week (multiple times) trying to encapsulate another life-changing experience, I found myself again feeling inadequate. I had so wanted to write about my faith this week, but the words evaded me. This week--Easter week, Holy week, Passion week--this is the week that much of my faith hinges on. I wanted to write about faith, wanted to attend the Good Friday service at church, wanted to spend more time reflecting this week on the sacrifice. Instead I found myself doing other things, albeit important and necessary things. Ballet class, cooking, pediatrician appointments, laundry, teaching, birthday party-ing, baby shower-ing, dessert with friend-ing. The tension of desire and duty keeps me ever on my toes.

No matter if I can write about it or not, however, my faith persists. No matter if I get the laundry done or not, get to MOPS meetings on time or not, create dynamic lesson plans for my students or not. my faith--my personal relationship with God who chose to die for me, chose to forgive me, chose to love me--my faith persists. It's part of me, and has been for nearly as long as I can remember. Sometimes I make great strides in my faith, huge bounding leaps. Other times, like at this stage in my life parenting young children, I find that my desire for positive change outweighs the time and energy I have to put towards this.

One of the final chapters of the book I read for Lent (Small Surrenders by Emilie Griffin) has this passage which spoke greatly to me:

What must we do to clothe ourselves with a new self? In fact, this is a work of grace, which seemingly comes over us when we are attentive, faithful, and believing. This is the reason for our rejoicing: that Jesus came for us and gave us the way to imitate him, to imitate God. However inadequate we may feel to this amazing destiny, it is ours; it is the promise that Jesus has made to us and lived out for us. Our task is to accept the grace, to make our small surrenders.

Fortunately, my faith doesn't depend on what I do. It depends on what God has already done. Easter Sunday is coming, and for my life--whether I'm feeling adequate or not--Sunday has made all the difference. My thoughts this week on the Resurrection changed me. More than I expected. More than I can define. Just more.

Hallelujah for that.

(video 3:39)

*****

(c) Creature Bug 2008. All rights reserved.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Week 198: Hypotheticals

Tonight we met with Todd (designer for our new house) to go over some changes in the plans. The big changes involved the master bedroom, the garage, and one particular wall in the dining room/living room. We had a good brainstorming session, and I feel good that Todd will come up with something that draws from our collective design sensibilities.

The other smaller change involved reconfiguring the upstairs bathroom--the one that the kids will use. Well, smaller change for him. But really the whole reconfiguration is based on one big hypothetical: having another child.

Which isn't to say that I am having another child, only that I might. And if that other child is a boy then I want the bathroom to function well as the siblings share the space. If we have a boy. Which we might not. If we have another child. Which is more probable than even having a boy.

It's a conversation I've been having with myself (and Jason) for the last couple months, and even though it's not something I lose sleep over (at least, not too much), it's something I toss around in my mind as I look at house plans and we wonder exactly how to divide up room space. The whole conversation with myself goes something along these lines. Are we having more kids? If we are, then when would be a good time to consider having this other child (though I realize, of course, that this isn't totally in my control, but hypothetically speaking...)? Should I get pregnant while we are assured of Jason's job and therefore awesome health insurance? How will this affect my teaching load? How will we afford a new car since we don't have one that could seat three carseats? How far apart do we ideally want the kids do be in age? Do I really want to be moving into a new house pregnant? Wouldn't it be easier to be pregnant next year so that Rebekah the Amazing Nanny can help out? Am I even suited to parent three children?

On the other hand, the conversation sometimes goes like this. Please dear Lord, we are not having any more kids. That easily answers all those other questions.

I realize that I am blessed to be even in the position to be having this conversation with myself, knowing that there are some people who would give the sun, moon, and stars to be in my spot. I also realize there is a lot that's not in my control regarding the whole thing. But still. It crosses my mind. More than occasionally.

It wouldn't really be a difficult choice if I was excited about the prospect of having another baby. Jason and I have always kind of thought we'd have three kids. It's a nice compromise between our two families. There were two kids in his family, and he always wished there were more. There were four kids in my family, and I always felt like my mom was on the verge of a nervous breakdown from the stress we caused her. Three is good. A nice prime number. I don't care about the middle child syndrome because I figure once you have more than two, there are always middle children. Maybe you have one middle kid, maybe you have two or three. As my sister says, "Tyler and I are the middle kids in our family," and she's right. Oldest, youngest, and middles. You deal with whatever you get, and you parent accordingly.

The idea of a three-child family is more more appealing to me than actually having three kids. I'm not even dreading being pregnant anymore, which was the bigger concern last time around. It's the fact that most days I feel like I'm just treading water, trying not to drown in a sea of sippy cups, tiny socks, and play-dough. The thought of adding another child to the mix? Really? Me? The one taking Zoloft every day just to keep my head together?

I don't know. My gut says, "Wait a few years. It'll make it easier." My significant other (who also has an important say in the whole thing) says, "I'd really like to be out of the baby stage in a couple years instead of starting it all over again."

Seriously. I don't know.

It's not a decision I have to make right now, at this instant. It's not even a decision I have to make in the next couple months. It might be a decision we have to make this summer, if we're factoring in health insurance. I'm just thinking aloud here, not really expecting some sort of revelation. The only one who really knows the answer to the question "Are we having any more kids?" is God and my ovaries. Whatever my decision ultimately is, it's still not completely up to me.

Last week Sydney said to me, "I want a baby brother."

I smirked. "Did Daddy tell you to say that?"

"No. I just want one. I have one baby sister, and I want one baby brother."

"We'll see," I say.

She looked at me, smiled, and agreed. "We'll see."

*****

Just for spite, I'm giving away the pregnancy book I reviewed last July, Body, Soul, and Baby. If you're interested in winning it, leave a comment at that old post, and I'll choose a randomly lucky winner Wednesday at 8 pm PST.

*****

(c) Creature Bug 2008. All rights reserved.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Observe

Dsc03722

Tonight I feel a bit worn down and tired. I think it's because of the frantic cleaning I did this morning, a child's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese this afternoon (hello overwhelming experience!), church this evening, and then more frantic cleaning after the girls went to bed. It could be any of that, all of that, or it might just be the exhaustion from an emotional church service.

It was a wonderful service, albeit a bit different than what we're normally used to since this is our first time attending our church's Saturday evening service. For the most part, we are strictly 11 am Sunday service attenders because it allows for us to spend our mornings together, enjoying breakfast, without rushing around. I've had friends say they don't like 11 am service because then they feel like church "takes up their whole day," a sentiment that makes me chuckle. Ah, we Americans do like our church services short and convenient.

But, enough about church services. I didn't get on here tonight to write about that. Not exactly anyway. Only that one of the things I noticed about the service tonight was that--like every other church service I've attended on the Sunday before Ash Wednesday--there was no mention of Lent. This isn't unusual, nor did it bother me at all, considering the church denominations I've been part of (Foursquare, Baptist, Calvary Chapel, respectively for each decade of my life). Most mainline evangelical Protestants aren't big on the Lent thing, probably because it seems like a very Catholic experience, and as this Slate article pointed out, John Calvin (a big name in Protestant churches) thought that Lent was a "superstitious observance," maybe because there's no scriptural mandate for observing it.

I'd never even heard of Lent until three years ago when I read about it on someone's blog (which I'd link except she's no longer blogging). She only mentioned it in passing--writing about cleaning out her cupboards of certain foods--but the idea took root in my mind. It was already a couple days into Lent, but I decided to give up chocolate that year.

I gave up chocolate again the next year, and then last year I gave up chocolate and candy. Even though traditionally there are other food restrictions regarding Lent, I don't follow those because they aren't meaningful (or sacrificial considering our one-income budget prevents us from eating much meat anyway). I wanted to give up something that I enjoy. And even though I read somewhere that giving up chocolate was "trivial" it was far from it for me. I eat chocolate every. single. day. Sometimes it's only a handful of chocolate chips, sometimes it's a cup of hot chocolate. It's one of the small daily pleasures I indulge in.

This year, however, I've been thinking a lot more about Lent and what I wanted to fast from. I keep asking myself, "What should I give up that distracts me from my faith and my family?"

As I pondered, I did some online research.

  • I bought a devotional book called Small Surrenders that looks promising, and I'm considering going through Purpose Driven Life as well since it follows the 40-days pattern, and Lent is close to 40 days (with the Sundays it becomes 46 days).
  • I came across this post from Internet Monk that provides lots of resources.
  • Last year I utilized the Creighton website Praying Lent, and they have it running again for 2008.
  • Sydney and I will be going through her Family Countdown to Easter book again.

Just like I wrote last year, there's nothing extra spiritual about me practicing Lent. I do it because it makes Easter seem more meaningful, and because I have found that deliberately fasting from something brings focus to my faith. Not only that, but this year I really want to focus praying for those who I know have serious needs, including Jack, Darian, Logan, Amanda.

I decided this week what I'm giving up for Lent, and it's not going to be easy. I've struggled a bit with my decision, but tonight at church I realized that it's not about what I'm giving up, but what I'll be receiving: grace, forgiveness, and joy. God may call me to give up something, but He's always ready to fill the void with something even better. Amen.

And so Wednesday, Lent begins.

*****

(c) 2008 Creature Bug. All rights reserved.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Week 189: Words of Resolution

I'm finding it a bit hard to get back into the writing mode. I have all sorts of things I'd like to write--a birthday poem for Jules, a show-and-tell of some Photoshop actions Jason got me for Christmas, a review of 28: Stories of AIDS in Africa (if I could convince you to read one book of non-fiction, it would be this one)--but my mind is still wandering around the harbor in Maine. I sit at the computer, and think of snow drifts and chowder and Christmas lights reflecting on the water, and typing seems rather unexciting.

Dsc03604_2 

However, my mind has also been full of words today. Words swirling around my mind that I'd like to choose for my 2008 Resolution. Yesterday I read Christine Kane's post Resolution Revolution (which I found thanks to Jess). I read it, and then I read it again. And then I went to sleep thinking about it. What stood out to me was this:

The reason most resolutions don’t work is that they address only one level of your life. The DO level. It’s the DO-HAVE-BE model. “I will DO this thing.” (i.e., Lose weight) “So I can HAVE this other thing” (Self-Esteem) and I can BE this thing. (Confident.)

The average New Year’s Resolution doesn’t address the core of the issue - the “BE” level.

The best order for creating positive changes in your life is the BE-DO-HAVE model. This means you start from the BE level. When you begin changing on the BE level of your life, then the DO level and the HAVE level follow more easily.

When you start only on the DO level, then all the blocks on the BE level will often become the obstacles you can’t overcome.

It immediately made sense to me. In fact, I realized that I already strive to follow this method in my relationship with God (BE passionate about my faith, DO strive to be more godly, HAVE joy and peace), and yet I don't follow this concept in my day-to-day life. Which isn't to say that my faith isn't part of my day-to-day life, but rather the tone I take daily with myself and my family. I find myself in the rut of DO keep the house clean, HAVE an organized life, BE less stressed. DO not yell at my kids. DO keep track of every penny spent.

It's hard work. It's exhausting. And in the end, I never quite make it to the BE part.

I didn't even make any resolutions this year. Actually, I sort of forgot to. I knew what I didn't need to resolve to do: keep the house clean (impossible to do better than I did last year), lose weight (did last year), read more books (already finished two so far this year). I don't need to make those resolutions because those things are already built into my personality. But I do think resolutions are important. Goals are good. Focus is good. If I never made any resolutions at all then I'd never grow.

Instead of making resolutions that address the DO part of life, Christine suggests making resolutions that direct us to living at the BE level of life. So instead of a list of things to work on throughout the year that we inevitably give up by spring, choose a word--one word--that will be your theme for the year. Let that word guide you in making changes in life. If choosing one word seems impossible (as it was for me), then maybe two, no more than three. (Really, you should just read the article yourself.)

So what's my word for 2008?

After I looked through the list of words, the one I chose initially was discipline. That's it, I thought. I need to work harder. Be more focused. Stay away from the chocolate, the computer, the cleaning solvents that pollute the earth.

Then I rethought that choice. I'm hard on myself. And if I chose discipline, it would haunt me all through the year. No amount of Zoloft would get me through to next December if my daily mantra was discipline.

So I looked at the list again, and mulled some words over in my head all day long. What word could I choose that would be best for me, for my family, for my faith, for my students? What did I struggle with in 2007?

Compassion  Delight Generosity  Effortlessness  Wealth  Gratitude  Abundance  Creativity Willingness  Change  Growth Freedom Mastery Kindness  Health Presence  Acceptance Courage  Confidence  Self-Love  Action  Forgiveness  Forgive Release  Trust  Knowing  Patience  Friendship  Fun  Grace  Laughter Love  Expansion Exploration Adventure Openness  Discipline  Awe Awareness  Risk  Gentleness  Choice  Spirit  Prayerfulness Power  Allow Artfulness Attention  Beauty  Joy Focus Ritual Heal  Order  Clarity Pioneer Peace  Laziness  No  Yes  Deliberateness  Commitment  Savor  Integrity  Listen

I choose two words for 2008: Gentleness and Acceptance.

It won't be easy, but it'll be good.

And you? Your word for 2008?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Brown Eyes

'Tis the season for gift giving, and Parent Bloggers Network asked, "What makes a gift memorable?" My mind immediately went to a gift I have already written about, but thought it was worth sharing again. I just now read it again and got all weepy over it.

May your Christmas be filled with brown eyes.

*******

I would be hard pressed to remember every Christmas gift I have ever received. Of course, I'll always remember the Christmas I was pregnant and Jason got me diamond earrings. I'll remember the dress I received one year that a relative promptly proclaimed as "hideous." I'll remember the not-an-engagement ring that Jason gave me when we were dating. I'll remember the yellow puffy stuffed animal that still sits on my bed at my parents' house.

And never, for as long as I live, will I forget the year I got blue eyes instead of brown.

That year there were four identical boxes under the tree. This tag had "Stephanie," that one had "Tyler," and those over there had "Andrea" and "Jacob." Love, Mom.

With four kids, lots of grandparents, cousins, pets, aunts, uncles, and a mom and dad, you can imagine that under our Christmas tree were piles of presents. My parents didn't hold back the gifts until Christmas Eve. They were there for us to organize -- that side of the tree was for my presents, that corner for Andrea... -- and gently shake. We'd search the creases and corners of the wrapping paper to see if we could get any hints to the contents of the gift.

The four boxes were a total mystery. What could they be? What would we all be getting? Our imaginations never strayed to thoughts of socks, or pajamas, or shoes. These were real gifts. We knew it.

Christmas morning came, and we four kids tumbled into the living room after an early morning of opening stockings in my room. The 14-foot tree sparkled with tinsel and bubble lights, and there! beneath the tree! the four boxes.

Other gifts may have been opened, carols may have been sung, but the only thing on my mind was the box. Finally, with our own respective boxes in front of us, we simultaneously opened. For some reason I dawdled behind in opening, so I saw what everyone else got. My mom had made us -- hand stitched, hand stuffed, hand painted -- dolls. They looked kind of like Cabbage Patch dolls, except better because, oh! because they looked like each of us. Tyler's with sandy blond yarn hair, and blue eyes. Andrea's with long red hair, and brownish eyes. Jake's with brown hair, and brown eyes. The dolls were us.

I finished opening my present, ready to hug her close to my heart. Imagine my surprise when I saw that my doll wasn't the same. My doll was a real Cabbage Patch doll. One that my mom had stood in line for, paid extra for, bought in the knowledge that I wouldn't want a hand-made doll. My good manners kicked in, and I smiled and thanked my parents. A real Cabbage Patch doll with a shiny vinyl face and birth certificate.

But something wasn't right. I looked at my blond haired doll and noticed, of course, that she had blue eyes. I knew all blond haired dolls had blue eyes. I was old enough to know the doll codes: red hair with green eyes, brown hair with brown eyes, blond hair with blue eyes.

Blue eyes.

The wrong color.

The present opening celebration continued, but my subdued manner finally caught the attention of my mom. Stephanie, what's wrong?

I had always been proud of having blond hair and brown eyes. Dark brown, chocolate, without even a suggestion of blue. Norwegian in every way but the eyes. Those eyes were from my dad, a gift that I wasn't ashamed of. Yet, somehow, looking at this homogenized doll felt like ridicule. Being teased. Made fun of. For being different. Bitter tears of disappointment streaked down my face, even as I thought, "I should be grateful." I realized what my mom had done. She had thought I wouldn't want a hand-made doll. She had thought I would prefer the store bought one, the doll that all my friends had. She had tried to make Christmas special for me by getting me the gift that was at the top of the list. The real, not the fake.

Turns out, real and fake are sometimes in the eye of the beholder. I didn't want blue eyes. I wanted brown eyes. I wanted one that was like me, so that our four dolls could play together and be little replicas of our selves. And of course, it wasn't just about the eyes. It was also about something else -- something I couldn't articulate at that age -- about having something from my mom that I couldn't get from a store. "You didn't make me one," I cried. "You made one for them, and not for me. And her eyes are BLUE." Tears tears and more tears. (Can you believe it, I'm even crying as I type this up.)

I know I surprised my mom. She had guessed incorrectly about the state of my materialistic heart. Maybe it made her smile. Maybe it made her laugh. I hope it made her proud.

The best Christmas present I ever received wasn't the one that I got on Christmas, but the one that my mom gave me a couple weeks later. My very own Stephanie doll. Blond hair. Brown eyes.

The perfect color.

Familydolls

------

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Week 182: Homework is finished

If you're a teacher then you can fully appreciate the following statement: I am all caught up with my grading, and have my grades entered in the proper grading program. Yippee!

Even though I only have 40 students--which is nearly the size of just one classroom for some teachers--I don't allow myself nearly enough time to get the grading done (approximately 15 minutes, two days a week). Fortunately, since I teach speech then a lot of the grading is done in class as they give their speeches. However, I still manage to plague them with a few paper assignments. This week, I'm having individual conferences with students to discuss their grade and final speech project, so it is imperative that I actually have their grade handy. The paper work isn't what I get behind on; it's the pages and pages of emails that I receive on a daily basis. Most of my students email me their assignments (which I encourage because I'm all about saving paper), which works in theory but it actually takes more time to grade than a real honest-to-goodness sheet of paper.

Thanks to Jason, though, I had a few hours of uninterrupted time (or as uninterrupted as time gets with two kids in the house) and now I'm good to go for the rest of the semester. Which, incidentally, ends in three weeks. I'd rejoice, but I really love my classes and love teaching. It's so much easier than anything else I do in my real life.

And speaking of homework, in a couple weeks some of my real-life friends (who are also bloggers) are having a get-together. Part of my job is to complete this assignment. I'll gladly oblige since I don't have to grade it!

What is your motto?
A place for everything, and everything in its place. But maybe that's just because I spent the whole day organizing the coat closet/office.

What superhuman power would you most want to have?
I have to echo Becca's sentiment here: To be able to do things super fast.

What makes you laugh?
The better question is perhaps what doesn't make me laugh, since I laugh quite easily. But a few things: Sydney talking about how much she loves broccoli, Jules dancing, Jason's sarcasm, and The Office.

Cats or dogs?
Dogs (don't much care for cats and Jason is VERY allergic), but after Daisy isn't with us anymore then we'll be a pet-free household. The dirt drives me nuts.

Would you rather be a little smarter or sexier?
Well, since I'd really like to get my PhD at some point, I'm going to say smarter because I can always work-out and get in better shape, but my brain seems to be deteriorating a lightning quick pace.

What's one thing you'll never understand?
The NY Stock Exchange.

My life would be simpler if...?
...someone did my laundry. I'm at the point now where I would pay someone to do my laundry (and yes, I know there are businesses that do that but I'm sure they'd charge more than I'm willing to pay).

The big decision I'm currently wrestling with is...
...which designer/builder to choose to build our house. Do we go with a general contractor, and have someone else draw up our plans, or do we pick a designer who works closely with a builder? Questions to ponder.

Also...whether to go to bed now and have to get up early to write a review, or stay up late and write the review now. Hmm...I think I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Week 175: Heard

Last Thursday, I spoke to my class about being good listeners and the connection listening has to delivering speeches. As I was illustrating the importance of listening and our need to be heard, I shared with them the role blogging plays in my life. While blogging certainly isn't the same as one-on-one contact with people, in my most difficult times I have often found it easier to write about how I feel than to talk about it. I spoke to my students about how, for me, it fulfills part of my need to be heard.

Then I wrote here on Friday. After all the months of essentially keeping my stress to myself, I wrote it out. I found a place for it and put it here. Even though I understand this Internet world pretty well and so therefore don't worry if particular posts get too many comments, Friday's post was different. I was vulnerable. I was broken. I was a puddle of tears. I wrote, and then I waited, hoping that someone was listening.

You listened. Your comments and emails (thank you, Katy!) hugged me, restored me, encouraged me, got me through a weekend in which my nerves felt raw and exposed. What ccap wrote summed up best what your words did for me: "...Wanted you to know that I was hear." I don't know if she was intentional in that spelling, but it was intentional to me. There is a big difference between being here and being hear, and for me it was all the difference in the world. I can't thank each of you enough for...everything.

On Friday I did a lot of sitting, because I wasn't strong enough to stand. I did a lot of crying, because I was broken with stress. I did a lot of praying, because it was the only thing that would sustain me. And I blinked, slowly. Waiting to wake up.

Jason had already come to terms with the house fiasco, but it was still very near to me. I actually said to him, "It would have been better to have never dreamed at all than to have dreamed and lost."

I don't really believe that, but I did on Friday.

I spent the weekend making pumpkin French toast, watching my brother Jake speed through Willamette's Cross Country Meet (can I brag for a moment that he ran 8K in 24:15), organizing my files of magazine tear sheets, visiting with my parents, going to church, making meatloaf, inviting friends over for brownies and ice cream, watching the leaves change color, administering cough medicine to Sydney, and listening to the rain pour down.

I breathed in. I turned the calendar to October.

And Monday morning I woke up.

Moving from September to October was more than moving from one month to another, more than moving from Sunday to Monday. It was moving from one place in my life to another. I breathed in. I held my breath, and exhaled. Feels good.

The leaves may be falling, but I'm standing. Moving forward.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Week 167: Explaining turquoise eye shadow

[EDITED TO ADD: My mom sent me that ninth grade photo, which I've included at the bottom of this post because clearly I have no dignity left (must be all that nursing babies in public). My memory failed me just a bit because I see that I did manage to keep the bangs up for photo day. Lucky, lucky me.]

I think it is one of the blessings of technology that digital photography wasn't around in the 80's. Otherwise, with a click of the mouse, we could all too easily pull photos displaying our collective penchant for neon colors and hairspray. I'm aware that some folks are still smitten with that era, but aside from the music, jelly bracelets, and perhaps the leg-warmers, I think it is an era best left unrepeated. Although my naturally curly hair spared me the tragedy of sporting bangs that reached to the high heavens (because I couldn't get my hair to uncurl off my forehead), I still fell victim to fantastically colored eye shadow. And by fantastic, I mean that as totally un-fantastic.

Although the 80's had passed by the time I entered high school, there was still a smattering of style hanging on through the early nineties. Therefore, my 9th grade school photo is a sight to behold. Hair semi-straightened (pre-flat irons), braces, white turtleneck, turquoise sweater, turquoise hoop earrings, pink lipstick, and glowing turquoise eye shadow that perfectly matched my sweater. Thankfully, I'm far enough removed in years from the picture to not cringe anymore. That was me. It was the era. That's the way it goes.

But for many years I asked my mom about this picture as well as most of my other junior high pictures, embarrassed to the core that I ever looked so unfortunate. "What on earth were you thinking, letting me wear that out in public?"

My mom would shrug and smile. "It was fine. You looked beautiful."

Yet somehow, in my pre-parenting days, I felt like my mom should have stopped me from looking so uncool. Told me that baggy tshirts were just not flattering, that neon pink lipstick should never leave the house, and my hair was best left without all the millions of tiny clips that perfectly coordinated my outfit (or, my second favorite hair choice: to pull back little strands of hair with a rainbow of rubberbands). What are parents for except to save their children from embarrassing fashion choices?

Of course, what would my mom have said? "You look ridiculous"? Oh, that would have gone over real well in improving our mother-daughter relationship. The truth is, though, my mom didn't think I looked ridiculous. She let me make my own choices, and at the time I looked like every other kid in my school.

As a young adult, I vowed that I would keep my kids from looking goofy. Make sure they coordinated. Matched socks. Combed hair. Looked respectable. In short, micromanage their sense of choice.

Quite honestly, it has been much easier to give up this notion than I thought it would be. If Sydney wants to wear her neon-green Crocs with her dress from Hawaii, that's fine. She wants me to put her hair into funky, curly pigtails (or "ears" as she calls them)? Fine and dandy. Shoes deliberately put on the wrong feet? If it makes her happy. It's so...not a big deal. I admit I don't let her wear just anything. Turtlenecks are totally unflattering on her, so they have to go. But I've learned that at some point it's important to let kids make their own choices about small things. I hardly even notice other little kids' fashion choices these days since I am so used to unique outfit choices that toddlers make. I smiled when I was at the park last week with Inkling and her boys because Critter had put his shorts on backward. I smiled not because I thought it was silly but because that's the way we parents let it roll sometimes.

And, as of Friday, part of letting it roll was to let Sydney pick out her own glasses.

Dsc00886 It was time for a new pair. She's had her purple Disney ones since the beginning, and that was a year and half-ago. (Here's a picture from her first day of wearing glasses.) Back then I picked out her glasses. They seemed odd, too large for her tiny face, and magnified her eyes to dinner plates. Shari, our fabulous optometrist, told us that it would be awhile before she outgrew that pair. Over the past 18 months, we've made many a visit to Shari so she can work her magic in keeping the frames from getting too helter skelter. When we visited Shari again on Friday, she pulled out a new collection of frames. "I thought of Sydney when these came in."

The new glasses are sleek, very cool, with bendy frames, and we chose ones with transitional lenses.  I had Sydney try on the red frames. She looked in the mirror and tilted her head this way and that to get a good view. I held out the purple frames.

She took the turquoise frames. "Oh, how 'bout green!" she exclaimed.

"How 'bout pink?" I suggested.

"Or green?" she said as she put them on.

"Look at these pretty purple ones! Or orange! Do you want orange!" She ignored me as she looked at her turquoise frames in the mirror.

"I want green." And that was that. No matter how much I suggested she choose a different (dare I say girlish?) color, she had made up her mind. She doesn't care that strangers call her boy unless I have her in pink. She doesn't care that the tiny fleck of pink on the frames won't be large enough to indicate gender when others see this short haired, curly headed kid. She wanted green.

I briefly, very briefly, considered getting the purple ones anyway. There's a chance she'd forget which color she initially wanted. But then I decided that it was her choice. She picked green. She gets green. Plus, she can't stop talking about the new green glasses she'll get later this week.

Of course, she'll look adorable no matter what color she picks. Sure, her frames may not match most of her clothes, but that's okay. Turquoise eye shadow, turquoise glasses--what does it matter in the end? There are plenty of things Sydney won't get to choose, but in matters of identity and positive self-expression, I think she's old enough to make some choices. Maybe in many years she'll ask me, "Why on earth did you let me wear turquoise glasses?"

And I'll say, "It was fine. You looked beautiful."

-----

Seriously. Pimples and all.

Steph_1990_2 

The seventies, though. Now that's when I totally found my fashion.

Steph1978lvb

Friday, July 06, 2007

Boxes

Dsc02929 Despite the fact that it was hotter than blazes today (although you won't hear me complaining about sunshine), Jason and I undertook the project of partially sorting through the attic because we're going to have a garage sale next weekend. One of the reasons why I can be so determined about keeping the house clutter-free is because we have an attic where all the stuff goes that I can't quite part with. Stuff that doesn't exactly deserve a spot in the house, but it doesn't deserve to be tossed out either. Our attic is full of the obvious things, like Christmas ornaments and boxes (and boxes and boxes) of baby clothes. It's also holds four smallish boxes that are filled to the brim with memories.

Every year I think I'll throw stuff from these boxes away. So much paper and fluff that I only glance through every few years. Like the first box, full of papers from the summer of 1993 when I went on a missions trip to Romania with Teen Missions International. Letters home, letters from my parents, my friends, my teammates. Handbooks of rules (oh the rules!), songbooks, journal entries. I rummaged through it all, feeling kind of torn about throwing it away. And then there at the bottom of the box was a tea set that I bought one Saturday when our team went to some lake in Romania. I had forgotten about that day at the lake. I had had such a good time that day.

Jason sorted through other stuff around me, glancing up to see my paused in my mission of throwing things away. "You going to keep that?"

Oh dear. I made him haul all these boxes down just so I could throw them away, but now..."It's funny. I don't have any use at all for this stuff. Hardly ever even look at it. But I wouldn't have remembered that day at the lake if I hadn't gone through this box. If I get rid of all this, maybe it'll mean I'll get rid of that memory too."

Jason assured me that I didn't have to get rid of it. He'd take it back up to the attic.

Another box is full of letters from high school. I had every intention of throwing everything in that box away. The notes from Angie Collantino that she wrote during math class, the letters from Megan Christensen and Sarah Cantrell that made me laugh and laugh. The cards from old boyfriends (one of whom even has a blog now!), and cleverly folded papers from school friends. I hadn't read through these letters in years, so no sense keeping them.

Oh, except...then I started reading them. Ten minutes later, I boxed them all back up again. I really have no use for those letters. Some of them are pure nonsense, but as I read the old notes I remembered those days back from high school. So, the two boxes I was going to toss away, ended up going back to the attic.

The final two boxes are ones I wanted to check up on to make sure all the stuff was still okay. A box of toys, and a box of childhood papers. Things that haven't seen too much daylight since about 1985.

Dsc02936_2 Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Pony, and California Barbie are still doing fine. Their respective gadgets are still in working order, although this time around I noticed the considerable wear they received all those years ago. I debated about which toys to pull out for Sydney. I decided she could have one pony--which she spent the afternoon chatting with and giving rides to on her tricycle--and then I put the rest of the toys back in the attic. Another year I'll bring them down.

Dsc02935 I glanced through the diary I kept my fifth grade year, marveling at the drama of March 3, 1987 ("I got in another fight with Rachel. I'm friends with her again though.") and the mundane ("I watched 'Who's the Boss?' and 'Growing Pains.' That was real touching."). It's almost uncomfortable reading about my elementary school nerdiness. I don't know why I bother keeping the diary since it's really so...awkward. Fortunately, I grew up some. I don't get into fights with my friends anymore, although I suspect I would still cry if I saw a particularly touching episode of "Growing Pains." Because really, what's not to cry about Kirk Cameron before he was Left Behind, and Leonardo DiCaprio before he was a mega-hot movie star?

Dsc02933 I still have a thick envelope of paper dolls, which I was relieved to see since I thought I had lost it. Mostly I wanted to make sure I still had my Princess Diana paper dolls. She was there, with her seven glamorous paper outfits. At the bottom of this box is my sticker book that my mom put together for my tenth birthday. I still remember waking up that morning of my birthday, and looking down to see it on the floor, filled with all my stickers and some new ones too. It was one of the best birthday presents I ever remember receiving.

Flipping through the pages, it wasn't hard to tell that I was indeed a child of the 80's. Stickers of girls with leg warmers. Stickers of unicorns cheering for the American Olympic team. And pages and pages of stickers of baby animals, which I suspect has less to do with the 80's and more to do with being a pre-teen girl.

Oh, but my favorite sticker of all just captured everything about my childhood obsessions. I have no recollection of receiving this sticker, but I suspect I mailed away for it. I would wager to guess that my cousin Donnelle and I probably had matching stickers, because we were united in this particular devotion.

Dsc02926 Seriously. Was I cool, or what?

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Tales from the School Cafeteria

It's almost the end of the school year in these parts. Only a few more days. Five? Five more days? And then Jason's home for the summer? Oh my goodness gracious. Summer.

Pbnbuttonbold Over at PBN, they're asking about favorite cafeteria stories now that soon all these little school aged kiddos will be free of that perilous place. The first thing I think of when I hear the word "cafeteria" is a paper I wrote in college about my first day at a new school. (I was going to post it here, but it's really really awful. As in, awful writing. My pride prevents me from letting you see this atrocious piece of work.)

Since I'm all distracted by thinking about summer, let me just give you the run down of the story that might give you just a hint of the kind of person I was back in my cafeteria days.

  • My junior year in high school I transferred to a new school, and that first day of lunch was traumatic. The whole experience of walking into the cafeteria still plays in slow motion in my head. Going through the double doors. The sea of unfamiliar faces. The chatter of everyone catching up on their summer stories. The tables with no extra chairs. Over there, back by the food line, there's an empty chair, not really at a table but turned away enough from the general crowd to be unnoticed. Unnoticed, but not invisible, which is exactly what I wanted to be at that moment. Could I make it to the chair? Would I faint from the terror? I walked past everyone and made it to the chair, feeling sick and not hungry a bit. I glanced around and after a moment I walked out, headed to my car, and ate lunch there. In fact, I ate lunch in my car for the first month of school.
  • After a month of eating lunches in my car, I decided that I wasn't going to stick around at this new school. The bell rang, and I got in my car and started driving north. Soon enough I was out of Portland and back into Washington. Stopped by my old high school, said, "Hey! I'm sick of the new school, and so I'm driving off into the sunset." They all wished me good luck and off I drove, on my way to Seattle with no plans, no money, and only a full tank of gas in my Chevy Nova to take me wherever I was going. At some point, I figured I was going to get into a lot of trouble if my parents found out about this little escapade, plus my siblings would need a ride home from school. The thought of them wondering where I was, being frightened that they had been abandoned at their new school, broke my heart, and so after an hour of driving I turned around and headed back to school. I got there just in time to make the last class of the day, where I was a teacher's assistant for a computer class. During class I managed to hack into the school's attendance records where I changed the records to show that I had been at school all day so that the attendance office wouldn't call my parents. They never found out. Until. just. now.

So, there you go. A blast from my high school cafeteria past. The upside is I turned out okay, mostly. And I did end up making friends at the new school. Even a boyfriend, who I later married. There's the happy ending.

*****

Thinking about my own school experiences makes me (1) rather fearful about ever sending Sydney to school, and (2) grateful that there are web sites that are trying to make things just a little bit easier for kids tromping through the cafeteria lines. Check out School Menu and its parental counterpart Family Everyday, two sites that work together with School Food Services Directors to provide and promote healthy eating and physical fitness for kids and their parents. The Family Everyday site has recipes (recipes! woo!), and School Menu links to local schools to show you what's being served for lunch that day. You can even sign up for the newsletter and they'll email you stuff about lunch and food and everything that could make your life a little bit easier. Heck, maybe knowing what's being served for lunch will give your kid the info they need to find a friend in the cafeteria: "Hey! Did you see we're having enchiladas for lunch today? Let's be best friends!" Or you know, something like that.

Friday, May 25, 2007

The Ordinary & The Extraordinary & The Bees

Angie, my former student who once had short hair but now has long and beautiful hair, tagged me for another Eight Random Things deal, and since I was responsible for keeping her up late many many many nights in high school reading obscure poetry and writing complicated literary analyses, then I will comply. I think it is, after all, the least I can do to make up for all the pain and suffering I caused her.

But, because I still have that slight tendency as a teacher to not do exactly as I'm told (because teachers like to boss people around much more than they like to be bossed around, that's why they become teachers don't you know?) then I'll take some liberties with the meme. I present to you Eight Random Things. Very random.

:one:

A year ago we got new neighbors on one side of our property, and they have the most unfortunate view of our backyard from their front door. Jason has even been to their house and looked over at our house from their property and cringed at what he saw. Evidently our neighbors have given up hope that we will fix our backyard, and just recently planted a whole row of arbor vitae to obscure their view. It is, I am quite sure, not to be interpreted as wanting privacy (there's a long discussion of why I think this is true) but rather because they'd rather look at a green leafy wall than a broken deck and pit of weeds.

Jason said later, "They'll be sorry when we get our backyard fixed." Oh yes, we'll show them.

Maybe it's true: good arbor vitae make good neighbors.

:2:

Jules and I went to the hospital yesterday to see the newest addition to the Inkling family. He is adorable, and has a mass of dark hair, and looks like his brother. It was a bit surreal to see Jules next to him because I still think of her as a tiny baby, but next to an actual tiny baby she looks like a giant baby. My sweet Inkling friend is doing well, and I'm just as happy as can be for her.

:tres:

Yesterday was additionally memorable because Jules got her first tooth! She's been such a happy baby about it, hardly even having a fever, so I was quite surprised to see that little chip of white poking out of her gums. At five months old, she's way ahead of where Sydney was, who didn't get her first tooth until she was almost eight months old. Sometime this weekend I'll have to get a picture of the new tooth (bottom right) and show it off in all its toothy glory.

:iv:

For as mentally exhausting as this grad class is, I thoroughly enjoy the class, my classmates and the professor. There are just five of us total--all women--which allowed me to feel comfortable taking Jules to class today since the babysitter wasn't able to make it. If anybody had passed by our classroom this morning, they not only would have seen the four of us students engaged in a discussion about thematic structure but also a professor holding a little sleepy baby. My professor is a mom, and from one mom to another, she knows what I'm going through. I find great relief and joy in that.

:E:

We're having issues with honeybees around our house. At first, I was confused as to why little honeybees were frantically buzzing against the screen door trying to get in the house. I'm not afraid of honeybees, but not often do I find them abandoning the great outdoors for a visit into my dining room. Turns out, we had a bee colony in our chimney. And those little bees were just trying to figure out how to get home. Sometimes the poor little bees would come down the chimney and beat against the glass door of the fireplace, which kind of of freaked me out a bit. I would come home and find dead honeybees all over the floor, where I presumed they must have died after escaping the chimney and then not finding their way back to the hive.

Despite the fact that I have seen X-Files and know about the secret alien plot to train honeybees to become fierce and infect people with smallpox, I still maintain my stance that they are normally gentle little creatures. However, we didn't want bees flying about our house, so we closed the draft on the chimney, and hoped they would find a new home. We think they did because we don't hear them buzzing in the chimney anymore, but maybe they're in stealth mode. Tricky.

:SIX:

Speaking of bees, the most memorable bee sting I ever got was one summer when I was probably around ten years old. My three siblings and I, along with my cousin Greg, were out in the corn field hoeing the weeds out of the corn rows. My littlest brother Jake bent down to pick something up, whereby a distracted Tyler accidentally chopped him in the head with a hoe. Much crying ensued, as well as quite a bit of blood and so Cousin Greg (only a few years older than me) picked up Jake and ran to our house across the field. I remember watching blood drip all over Greg's Ocean Pacific shirt, and as I ran after him I stepped on a honeybee. Fast forward five minutes to our house: Greg is in mild shock, Jacob is screaming, adults are inspecting the non-serious head wound, and I'm soaking my foot in the the kitchen sink failing miserably at being stoic about my own pain. Reflecting back on that moment I realize that I was probably--bee sting and all--still in a better spot than my mom who somehow managed that chaotic scene.

:7 1/2:

I was flipping through channels last night and heard the sound that warmed my heart: Mary's laugh. Who's Mary? She's a judge on "So You Think You Can Dance." It's back for its summer run, and I'm thrilled. I loved that show last summer, and I can't wait to watch it again this year. Dancers always impress me; that must be why I like the show so much. In fact, as I think about it, it's the only talent show I like watching. Hooray for that.

:Miscellaneous (poorly written) Trivia:

I've had my eyebrow pierced, biked the Oregon Coast (and camped along the way), spent a summer in Romania, picked up a hitchhiker (when I was in high school), and forgotten the words to more solos than I can count (including the National Anthem). I hate mushrooms, have low blood pressure, and haven't dyed my hair in many years. I'm feeling more stressed out now than I ever have before in my life, and were it not for my determination to keep in the habit of writing I would give up blogging for a couple months. I like Frosted Flakes, bagels with cream cheese, and a book I'm reading called Steering the Craft by Ursula K. Le Guin. Writing teachers should read it. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow, and am so looking forward to seeing Jaime in her wedding dress. Also, eating cake is fun too.

:the end of the Eight + a Few More Things:

I'll be back on Tuesday with a birthday post for my birthday girl.
Have a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Week 155: Eight Things

{Eight things in my head}

There's the trivial, like how Google Reader is seriously irking me because it has had issues feeding blogs properly. I hate being out of the loop, and when I don't get someone's blog post until THREE days after it's been posted, I call that being out of the loop.

There's the social life, like this weekend when we went to two beautiful weddings (congrats to Shelly & Eric and Brittany & Kenny!) and a birthday party (happy 4th birthday Emily!). We drove an hour north for one wedding where all the people we knew were our parents' age (and we therefore got the obligatory, "So what's going on in your life?" questions). Then we drove two hours south for another wedding where many of the people we knew were former students (where we do the asking of "So what's going on in your life?" questions). Quite a day of extremes.

There's the academic, like how this Teaching Grammar class that I'm taking is a lot of hard work and hard thinking and makes my brain too tired to even think about blogging. It's probably not that difficult, but I'm not in top form these days. As an added bonus (or not), it's also making me more self-conscious about my writing. Bother.

There's the blog stuff, like how I like reviewing things, but not sure if I like reviewing them here on my regular blog because it makes me feel like a commercial (but I do try to be funny. Am I at least entertaining you with my commercials? See, I'm all self-conscious these days.).

There's the semi-artistic, like how I've decided that I love creating photo banners for blogs. I just did a few this weekend for my sister's friends (and thereby, by extension, my friends), and I fully enjoyed myself. I'm not spectacular at it, but it's fun to do.

There's the reflecting, like how my sweet little girl is turning three years old next Tuesday. How did that happen?

There's the dreaming, like how I'm entering yet another backyard contest over at HGTV (thanks Alida, for the link!). I gave up pinning my hopes on Oprah.

And there's the parent stuff, like how Jules turned FIVE months old yesterday (!!) and has been rolling over for a couple weeks now so there's no keeping her contained in one place anymore.

But Sarah tagged me with "Eight Things You Don't Know About Me," so I'm going to do that. I'll try to outdo my sister and think of things not everyone in the whole world already knows about me.

Img_0656_2 {one}

Sydney went fishing this week with her grandpa, her cousin, and her great-uncle. The big thrill wasn't that she got to go on a boat for the first time, or put worms on the hook, or watch my Uncle Bud catch a fish. The big thrill was that there was a potty on the boat. Thrilling! Since her adventure, I've had to rethink my position on the whole outdoors. I am not a happy camper. Actually, I'm not much of any kind of camper. But -- and here's the new info part -- I'm thinking I might be able to handle the whole outdoorsy adventure thing. Maybe it's the fact that we can't be outdoors much at our house on account of the backyard, or maybe it's because Jason has rubbed off on me. Whatever it is, I dare say I might go camping this summer.

{two}

Stitchhart_2 Even though I hardly have any spare time on my hands, I've decided to learn how to embroider. I saw this post over at Yvestown, and it brought to mind several pillowcases I have in which the embroidery has started to unravel. It has crossed my mind to repair the cases, but I didn't know how. Now I'm going to learn.

{three}

The oldest article of clothing in my closet is an oversized blue and white sweater from when I was 15. That makes it 16 years old. It gained it's own small amount of fame as being the chosen article of clothing I wore on my Sweet Sixteenth Birthday Party. I still wear it, but not out in public. There's not even a small chance that it will come back in style.

{four}

My favorite movie of all time is Pride & Prejudice (the 2005 version). I actually prefer it over the mini-series even if it's not as true to the book. On my list of favorite books? Pride and Prejudice. Favorite CD list? The soundtrack to Pride & Prejudice. Favorite sheet music for the piano? You guessed it. I'm nothing if not quite predictable. If someone wants to become my own personal hero for the year they can get me the annotated version of Pride and Prejudice.

{five}

My favorite (card) game to play is cribbage. I'm not fond of playing card games on account of me not being very good at them coupled with me having a bit of a competitive streak, but I do love cribbage. Jason taught me how to play when we were honeymooning in Maine, and that's also where we got our cribbage board. My least favorite game to play? Monopoly. I generally refuse to play that game.

{six}

Dsc01452_3 I am not a cat person. Jason is severely allergic to them so I don't ever have to worry about owning a cat. I don't mind cats, but I don't like to pet them because I always get cat hair on my hands. I hate that. The exception: I like holding kittens. I never grew out of that "baby animals are fun" stage.

{seven}

If I could live anywhere outside of the Pacific Northwest, I'd live in Kauai. Or London. Both fabulous places, and both very expensive places to live (hence, me not living there).

{eight}

My least favorite household chore is folding laundry. Not sorting laundry, not putting it in the washing machine. Folding. Because after I fold it, then I have to put it away, and putting laundry away is my second least favorite household chore. However, since I overheard Jason casually remark this morning about not having any clean socks or clean undershirts (he really was just so kind about it!), then today is laundry day. And judging from the amount of laundry, tomorrow is laundry day too. So, that's what I'm off to do.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Week 146: Crumbs

Here is my moment of NCAA bragging. Humor me, please.

Me: I just looked online, and I'm in first place in both my tournament brackets.
J:    Good for you.
Me: Not too bad for someone who doesn't know anything about basketball.
J:    Well, that's not entirely true. You know something.
Me: I guess.
J:    Can you name any of the powerhouse conferences?
Me: ... Pac 10?
J:    Uh, not really. Can you name any players?
Me: No.
J:    Any coaches?
Me: No.
J:    Do you know who won last year?
Me: Umm....no.
J:   Can't name a conference, player, coach, or winning team and you're in first place.
Me: Yep.
J:   Good work.

*****

My mind is full of this post I want to write about Sydney negotiating the emotions of growing up, but the best I can do is write about college basketball. I confess I sometimes get all stressed out about writing on Mondays because I want my Monday posts to be meaningful and significant and capture what's going on in my life, and when I reach into my creative well, I find that it's full of crumbs. And not even crumbs of chocolate chip cookies. More like stale saltine cracker crumbs.

Sometimes I wish I was that writer. You know, the one that can type up some amazing post in 5 minutes without an edit. I am not that writer. I work hard at writing, even still, sweating the details and metaphors and phrases. It's fun...sometimes. And sometimes it's not fun.

That's when I start need to start talking about basketball. Because at least that's fun.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

A decaffeinated post

(I have received several emails reporting that Typepad isn't letting some of you comment. Sorry about that. I don't know what the issue is, and hope they resolve it soon.)

How did I get so lucky to have friends who write me the nicest things? You do, you know. And I suspect I hardly deserve it too when it seems like every other week I'm writing about being at my wit's end. I'm not sure my mom is even this patient with me. But you guys, really. You keep me sane.

I've been taking deep breaths these last two days, letting the laundry pile up around me (at least it's clean!), getting behind on all sorts of things. Even though parenting an infant has been way easier the second time around, I have to say I was caught off guard by the effects of sleep deprivation. Sure I was tired during pregnancy, but of course it's totally not the same. I may have had trouble getting to sleep, and I may have had trouble staying asleep, but that's a far different (and better) world than having a tiny person scream at me to get out of bed already before I starve from hunger! And even if I pull her into bed with me, I'm not really sleeping that well. For good reason, no matter how tired I am, if I have a baby next to me my brain is only half sleeping. The other half is pulling the midnight guard duty in making sure I don't push my tiny bed partner out of bed. (Yes, and that's why she doesn't get to sleep with me much anymore because it drives me crazy.)

So, bear with me as I try to keep my sanity under control. And, to all my former students, revel in all the fragmented, grammatically incorrect sentences that will surely abound as I attempt to keep writing despite being tired. Of course, I could stop writing, but then I'd have to start paying for therapy and I'd rather spend that money on my favorite topic (the backyard, remember?). 

Sleep deprivation isn't the only culprit that's making me emotionally raw these days. My journey through Lent has also been good, albeit difficult. Difficult not because of the chocolate and candy I've given up, but difficult because I've been spending more time reflecting on my priorities and my bad habits. I've come to at least one conclusion: it bet it would be easier to reflect on priorities and bad habits if I could do it alongside a nice lunch of chocolate chips. Heh.

So, that's where I am right now. Tired, uncomfortable, reflective, and going through caffeine withdrawals. Sounds like a great place to be, huh?

Well, at least I have you guys to keep me company.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Week 143: Wanting to be better

I've started four different posts today. One about potty training (BIG NEWS: Sydney has had multiple dry nights and yesterday she pooped in the toilet--serious cause for celebration). One about Lent (the results of not eating chocolate or junk food? Massive migraines from the caffeine/sugar withdrawal). One about the Oscars (Yay for Martin! And yay for Jennifer Hudson, but that poor girl and her red dress! It so clearly didn't fit her, and I was nervous just watching her dance on the stage fearing that those little cherry tomatoes weren't going to make it through the song.) And one about my trip to the fabric store to get material for curtains (I had lunch with the always fabulous Diane, and after seeing all the lovely decorating projects she's got going, I was totally inspired to make curtains).

But in the end, I can't get any of those things into a coherent post because my mind is being pulled in so many different directions. Mostly I just feel like I need to re-evaluate my priorities, and figure out what I should give up, and what I should keep, and what I should give up even though I really want to keep. I'm finding that it's hard knowing how to balance parenting,
and mom grouping,
and teaching,
and blogging,
and wifeing,
and cleaning,
and friending,
and reading,
and praying
and... *sigh*

My head is so noisy these days with everything that's going on. I don't want to give anything up, because all those things are important to me. But I can't figure out how to do them all well. I'm even fretting about this post because I could have written it better, if only my mind was a little clearer.

Of course, it doesn't help that I'm sleep deprived, and so I don't really have a good perspective about anything. Something has to change though. Something.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Week 140: Birthday cabbage

Thank you all for your wonderful birthday wishes! It was a nice birthday--not too exciting, but sometimes that's a good thing. Ordinarily we might have gone out for my birthday, but because it was Thursday then we were busy. On Thursdays, we meet up with several other couples from our church for a Bible study. I had, however, planned ahead and made myself in charge of bringing dessert for Thursday. My friend said I shouldn't have had to make my own birthday dessert, but I was happy to do it. Plus, that way I knew I was going to be eating something I enjoyed! The dessert? Blueberry/Cranberry Cobbler. It was delish. As it should be since it has 3 cups of sugar.

Really, it was a lovely birthday aside from one teeny tiny thing: I woke up with the tell-tale signs of a nursing infection (yes, I could call it a breast infection, but I'm trying to be specific here). Fortunately, I was a good girl scout and had already prepared for such an event. Having had a horrid case of mastitis six weeks after Sydney was born (I celebrated July 4th, 2004, with hot and cold packs), I didn't want to go through that again. So shortly after Jules was born I sent Jason off to the grocery store to pick me up a head of cabbage. Yep. Cabbage. One of the best remedies for fighting off those infections is to place a nice cold leaf of cabbage on the girls and let the healing begin. I don't know why cabbage works, I just know that it does. Four days and a refrigerator minus a head of cabbage later and I'm feeling much better now.

The downside? You mean minus the fact you have cabbage on your boob? Well, you may end up smelling a bit cabbagey. Also, cabbage leafs are extremely non-absorbent which--as any nursing mom can tell you--can be rather perilous. This I realized again Thursday night when I was at our Bible study. Although it is a very nursing-friendly group since all the families there have young children (and four of the moms have nursing babies at the group), I still do my best to maintain a level of discreetness. This is not always easy to do, especially since we're all rather cozy on couches. Last Thursday I was seated quite closely next to one of the dads of the group, so I did my level best not to flash him. With Jules in place, and a blanket draped over my front, I started to nurse her when I realized that I still had a cabbage leaf in place. I removed it and consequently released a small flood of milk that had pooled under the leaf. Julianne sputtered and coughed, and I contorted myself so that the milk didn't go dripping onto the leather couch where gravity would surely run it towards my backside (or worse: the backside of the dad next to me).

I imagined the conversation:
Other Dad: (noticing his jeans are all wet) What the....?
Me: Don't worry. Just a spot of milk. Make sure you wash those jeans. Don't want protein stains on your rear.

Yikes.

I managed to soak up the milk with my shirt, but as I fiddled around with that, at some point I lost track of where the leaf was.

Oh no. The leaf. Where's the leaf? WHERE'S THE LEAF?!! What if I stand up and a wilted cabbage leaf falls from under my shirt? What if the leaf is stuck to my shirt? What if it's stuck to Jule's head?! I have to find the leaf!

Mad scrambling under my shirt ensued like some PG-13 rated movie, but fortunately I was able to find the leaf and secure it, saving myself from future humiliation. Of course, the whole ordeal made me a bit flustered and when Jules finally emerged from under the blanket her face was dripping with milk. The dad next to me couldn't help but notice, and gave a knowing chuckle. I laughed too, perhaps more out of relief that there wasn't a cabbage leaf stuck to her forehead.

In short, I do recommend cabbage leafs for fighting off infections, but you have been duly warned of their mischievous nature.

Even though there were other bithday events--a party at McMenamins on Friday, shopping for a new computer monitor on Saturday, enjoying a Super Bowl party at a friend's on Sunday--I'm quite sure that turning 31 will forever be remembered as the day I held cabbage leaves near and dear to my heart. Literally.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Week 138: Beginning the Resolutions

I didn't start out the New Year with any sort of resolutions. I had enough on my mind, and figured just getting through the night would be a good enough resolution.

But today I'm trying to get myself back on track. I gave myself four weeks of guilt free lazing around, stuffing my face, pure inertia. Even though my friends all assure me that I can eat whatever I want and not gain any weight, it's not quite true. Those 20 pounds I lost the week after Jules was born has turned into less than 20 pounds because I have been eating massive amounts of food. Seriously. Nine months of no appetite caught up with me, and I find myself starving. All. the. time. It started the moment I gave birth to Julianne (actually, it started the hour before that) and it has continued since then.

Sure, I have some excuse to be eating more because I'm nursing, but it's gotten a bit out of hand. Just a couple weeks ago we were at Applebee's, and I ordered a meal. Per her request I ordered Sydney spaghetti, but when it arrived she burst into tears and cried, "I don't LIKE spaghetti!" in that whiny voice that she slips into more often than we'd like. I told her that she could opt not to eat anything (so she didn't). Then not only did I eat my meal, but I ate all of Sydney's meal too.

When Jason asked me where Sydney's spaghetti was (I suppose so we could take it home and have her eat it for dinner) I confessed: "I ate it."

"Well, where's your meal?"

"I ate that too." Then I checked his plate just to make sure there weren't any more leftovers I could eat.

Today I decided that I was feeling strong enough and recovered enough that I could start with some exercise to compensate for the million calories I eat every day. This morning I told Sydney that we were going to exercise, and she was all over that. She pulled out my post-pregnancy exercise DVD, ran to get the exercise mat, and then urged me on, "Let's go Momma!"

Okay, Coach.

We started with some pilates but it wasn't the usual routine that I do, and so I got annoyed with the instructor. Nevertheless, Sydney was encouraging. "Lay down! Legs up! Squeeze your gluts!"

"I am squeezing my gluts, Syd."

"Squeeze those gluts Momma! Gluts! Gluts!"

You think I'm joking, but really, she's fierce about those gluts. And she's energetic about getting all the moves down. When she's not coaching me on, she's making sure I notice what a great job she's doing. "Look at me! I'm doing it! I'm moving like her!" And indeed, she's certainly more flexible than I am. Hopefully I'll catch up with her eventually.

At the end of the workout, there's a Mommy and Me workout to be done with the baby, and even though I tried to get Sydney to do the exercises with her doll while I worked with Julianne, she would have none of that. "You take the baby, Momma. And I'll take Julianne." So, with some monitoring on my part, Sydney did all the stretching exercises with Jules. She worked her arms, her legs, and gently massaged her shoulders and tummy. I didn't get much of a workout, but my heart still seemed to get plenty of exercise anyway.

I had thought I would only do pilates a couple days a week, but if Sydney pulls out the floor mat tomorrow you can bet I'll be exercising with her. That's okay. The more I exercise the less I have to worry about those two three bowls of spaghetti I had for lunch.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Changing Landscapes

Hard to believe that just a few weeks ago we were enjoying a lovely early autumn evening down by the creek at my parents' house, and now--after a few days of heavy rains--it's all under water.

A_a_summer_evening_1 A_fall_day

The flooding is actually normal, so while it's amazing to see the difference it isn't anything to be alarmed about. When I was growing up, we never paid that much attention to the seasonal flooding of the creek. The weather was never nice enough to go down there to play in the winter, so we didn't miss it. It was always curious, however, to go back to the creek late the next spring and see how the landscape had changed. A tree gone here and replaced by a rock. A new little creek here that had changed its course of travel over the months. A whole slew of mulligan golfballs that would be trapped in a mud hole thanks to the golf course upstream.

We never really lamented the change, just accepted it and made the new landscape our own. The only time I remember being particularly sad was the year that the rope-swing tree washed away. The swimming hole had filled up with debris, and so we spent that summer wading in and out of the shallows.

I would write something profound here, about how we can learn from kids who accept change as a part of life, but it isn't exactly a true observation. Just yesterday Sydney had a meltdown when I unwrapped her granola bar and it broke in two pieces. The world ended. "Fix it! Put it together! Fix it!" she wailed as she collapsed on the floor. I left her weeping on the floor, and after several minutes she found me. With two little pieces of granola clutched in her hands, and tears streaming down her red face, she tried again, "Mommy, please fix it." I couldn't fix it. Just like I couldn't get the too-small shoes to fit her feet the week before, or take the orange bowl out of the running dishwasher so she could have applesauce in it.

I suppose it's about perspective on what things you feel like you should have control over, and what things you don't. Last summer when the college student we had had living with us during the school year moved back home, Sydney was mostly unfazed even though she'd seen Rebekah nearly every day for nine months and loved her dearly. She'd pass by Rebekah's room and say casually, "Rebekah's gone," and then go back to playing. Or several weeks ago when we temporarily got rid of all our furniture and she found the living room empty one morning. "The couch is gone," she commented before pulling her blocks out to play.

Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to what affects us and what doesn't. This last weekend my brother's family moved to the Family Farm. I have been so happy thinking about how wonderful it is to have my family even more consolidated (it makes visiting with everyone that much easier), and can't wait to see what Sarah is going to do with the old farmhouse. And yet, this morning when I was on the phone with my mom, when I said, "I hope that Sydney still feels like the farm is hers even though Clover is living there now," I got all